She Loves Me, He Loves Me Not
by BleedmeBlind
Summary: When Kyle kisses Stan at a dance to make him feel less lonely- Stan begins to fall in a spiral of confusion leading him to question his soul mate. Is it Wendy? or is it Kyle? On this path of discovery Stan comes close to losing everything...
1. You're Some Kind Of Wonderful

Back for round 2 I spose. I've had quite a lot of time on my hands, regardless of working nights- but while I work I think a lot- and this happened to float in one night and this is what came of it. Its another Kyle and Stan thing, so ya… enjoy :)

BMB

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She Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

**Chapter 1  
****You're some kind of wonderful**

It's always the same. Tradition if you will that for every senior year there must be a beginning of the year dance and for some reason the entire high school goes. Except me- Stan Marsh, because I'd rather stay at home on that night and finish homework that is due on the following Monday. Well, to be more than honest I've never had a date to one of these things and lets face it: the last three years I got away with not going but this year is really different.

I know lots of people will be dateless but it's me and I don't want to be dateless. I can't be a stupid ass-logger like Cartman and show up and drink all the punch and eat all the mini sandwiches.

Now, there have been many girls in my life since high school and I say this with the greatest apathy because I know I lie. Although, I have had more girlfriends than Cartman so I'm off to a good start. Kyle isn't too lucky either, but he's had his share and right now he's pretty cozy with that home-schooled girl… once again. Kenny, well whatever it is he's doing it is going for him and I'm certain he'll have no problem finding a date… if he even makes it into the dance.

Then there is Wendy; I am doomed to lead this tango by myself. Everyone says we're the perfect couple that nothing can stop us and blah, blah but every time we're together she goes all "One Tree Hill" on me and dude, I just can't take it. It is because of this that we've never really been a "couple" we have only "went" together for a while. Right now that "while" is on time out.

So that is why I am here writing down the names of the girls that I have dated and all of which would never give me a second chance on account that they hate me or are in another relationship.

As much as I try to make things work with Wendy she can be such a fucking bitch that I don't ever want to talk to her but then there are times when she comes over and she does things to me that I have never- well… she was my first… everything. Date, virginity, wet dream, she really is the girl I'm in love with but god damn it I want to kill her sometimes. Maybe that's what makes us perfect, the fact that we're so dysfunctional that we work. Okay, so that sounds stupid but I'm sure that it can be sifted through for some sense.

Tomorrow is the beginning of the last year of high school. Hmm talk about an oxymoron… if I don't go to this dance thingy then I'm going to be a loser for eternity and if I go dateless, well I guess I'll still be a loser. I wonder if there is any chance Wendy will go with me…

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K so short, but please review anyway. I'll have the second chap posted ASAP

BMB


	2. This Won't Break Your Heart

**Chapter 2  
****This Won't Break Your Heart**

It's hard to say when things went wrong. Possibly that stupid dance that I knew I should have skipped. I wish I hadn't gone- nothing could be worst than this nothing. Kyle hates me, Wendy hates me and Cartman wont leave me the fuck alone.

The more I think of the past five months, I can't help but to pin point the problems. Like the dance for instance, the guys' night in watching wrestling, the trip to New York, inviting Kyle over was the worst. Dude, I've really screwed things up for myself hardcore.

Kyle won't even return my phone calls anymore. I know he liked it- I just- don't know what to do anymore. I've complicated everything; in just five months I've screwed it all up. I'll be alone forever, now that I think I'm- in love with-

**Five Months Earlier**

"Stan you look so sweet" his mother said as she fiddled with his hair. Stan swatted her hand away from him and put it back to the way it was.

"Mom, I really don't think I should go. I know Kyle and Kenny said I could hang with them, but they both have dates and I don't…" he trailed off.

"Stan, you don't always need a date for these things. I thought you were going to ask Wendy."

"Oh, I did." Stan straightened out his Strokes shirt and jeans. "She figured that since she was able to get a date that I would be able to. Do I look dumb?" He asked his mother, who simply sat troubled on the edge of his bed.

"Well," she started as she bent over and picked up dirty laundry off his floor. "Did you ask anyone else?" Stan shook his head no. "Well Stan, you're 18 you have to go out and get what you want, they aren't going to come to you." Stan was speechless.

"But…I got to go mom" he said as he left the room, slipping on shoes as he went.

"Honey" his mother shouted after him. "You look fine"

"Thanks mom." Sharon watched her son pull out of the driveway worry about how he's going to get along tonight.

The dance was pathetic. Playing the hick classics like, "Fishing in the Dark" and "Amazed". It was, again, tradition for the first slow song at ANY south park dance to be "Amazed". Stan knew he was sick of it and he could only believe that everyone shared his pain.

"I guess I'm early" he thought as sat in the corner table far from anyone sipping on punch. Lights flashed and danced across the floor and the decorations. He looked at the clock: 8:32, even he was late so where was Kyle and Kenny? He rested his head on his folded arms and waited for them to show.

"STAAAN!" Shouted Kyle as he, Rebecca, Kenny and his new girlfriend of the week sat with him. 9:29. Stan wondered where the time gone and if he had fallen asleep.

"Dude this dance is lame" Kyle whispered harshly to the table. Stan shrugged. Kenny laughed and then Stan figured out why they were so late.

"Were you guys drinking?" He asked. Rebecca laughed- she too had been drinking. Stan shook his head, now his night was really going to suck, Rebecca's going to go home and get in trouble for drinking and Kyle's going to get blamed and Stan will have to hear all about it on Monday.

"Ya Stan, where were you! How's the dance?"

"I thought we've established that it was lame" Stan replied.

"OH! There's Wendy! I'm gonna go dance!" She leaned over Kyle and kissed his cheek and ran off to the dance floor. Stan stared at Wendy flailing her arms and wiggling her hips to the music over the speakers.

"Well see ya guys later" Kenny stood up and waved to the boys as he and his follower left the dance.

"Aww poor Stanny all alone. No date, don't worry I am pretty much dateless too." He looked over at Rebecca dancing with the other girls.

"Well Stan I'll be your date hah"

"WHAT? You're drunk shut up dude." Stan could feel his cheeks getting hot with embarrassment…hopefully.

"Come on" He flung an arm around his shoulders and brought Stan closer to his own body.

"Kyle, don't: He didn't know what to do, Kyle was acting strange. "When's the last time you actually drank dude, like last year?" Kyle released the panicking boy and shrugged.

"I'm just trying to have a good time Stan, you should too" Stan smiled slightly and nodded. The lights dimmed to a spotlight as a slow song came on, Stan expected the girls to rush over and grab their men but instead they all grabbed each other and danced in a big circle. It was dark and Stan felt a hand creep around the back of his neck. Just as it clicked in who it was he felt himself being pulled in the direction of Kyle.

"Stanny, don't be lonely- it's the first week back to school." Kyle pressed his lips against Stan's frozen ones. He knew Kyle was drunk but this drunk to kiss his best friend to make sure he wasn't lonely.

But it wasn't a small kiss, Kyle didn't release him, in fact, Stan found that he wasn't appalled by the kiss and actually let a shaky hand grip Kyle's neck and kiss him back. He knew it was dark but he felt like people were watching him but he couldn't open his eyes to looks or pull away for that matter.

Just when Stan thought it was over Kyle moved in closer and slithered his tongue past Stan's accepting lips. Stan moaned lightly as he wrestled with Kyle's tongue. Suddenly the song stopped and Kyle pulled away wiping his mouth, Stan did the same.

"Kyle…" his voice was meek and he felt as his everyone could see how red his face was.

"Stan," he placed a heavy hand on his shoulder and stood. "Don't worry, it was nothing, I wasn't hitting on you or anything. I don't know what it was either but don't worry, it wont break your heart." He laughed.

"Come dance with me" Rebecca shouted and grabbed Kyle's hand, dragging him on the dance floor where he swayed back and forth not really dancing. Stan leaned on his fist and stared at Kyle, thinking about how he had just kissed him and thinking he was going to wake up.

Stan felt weird, and he felt like what he did was a bad thing, like he shouldn't have. But he liked it. It made his stomach feel weird and made his heart beat fast just thinking about it. But I meant nothing… and he couldn't let stupid feelings fool him. He was lonely and Kyle just took his mind off it. That's all he was doing.

"Right?" Stan asked himself. He couldn't help but watch Kyle out on the dance floor until he caught the eye of Wendy. She patted her friend on the shoulder and walked towards Stan's table.

"Hey you. I see your wondering eyes Stan."

"What?"

She laughed and sat down beside Stan and lightly patted his hand. "At me. I really wanted to go with you Stan, but Jeff asked me first and I couldn't change. I know I said, but I just was iffy about going with you. You know how things are between us, we can take it slow." She stood up and kissed his cheek and walked off to the floor.

"Ok" Stan replied to the air that she left behind and sighed. "Good".

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K that was a little longer. Please review, I must get some sleep if I am to work tonight. Smiles.  
BMB


	3. End Of Understanding

Thanks to IzzBella for reviewing! Smiles! Sry for the lack of update, I've just learned I have mono! Yaaaa… blah!

**Chapter 3  
****End of Understanding**

You reach a certain age when you realize that either you are going to find your true soul mate or wind up alone. Yes, that is harsh, but if you don't end up with your soul mate you are doomed to be with someone who just, well, isn't it. So therefore landing you alone, just not physically. I believe I have reached that age. I will never find my soul mate.

And then, you think you know it all. Days go by and you do nothing about it. Just stare at the ceiling in hopes that you can put a new meaning to the phrase. Last night… that meant nothing… and the car… that meant nothing too, although…

* * *

"Hey Kyle?" Stan asked before Kyle could leave the car.

"Ya?"

"Why would you do that, at the dance? I mean we're not-"

"Gay? I know it was nothing- meant nothing. I was drunk anyway and at the time it seemed like a funny thing to do to cheer you up sorry dude." Kyle stepped out of the car and walked to his house just like his girlfriend before him.

* * *

Now Wendy expects me to try for her again, but I've tried and I'm tired. Now I don't know what to do, I'm actually at a loss for ideas in this confused brain of mine. Why can't I let go of that kiss why?

It. Meant. Nothing.

* * *

Stan walked the hallways. Avoiding Kyle wasn't an easy task, especially since he had 2 of the same classes. Today he skipped them, and that shocked him. He was actually skipping a class JUST to avoid someone he calls his best friend.

He was unsure of what to say to him about the other night and how he was unbelievably awkward with him. It was one thing for Kyle to kiss him for the sake of being funny but the fact that Stan had not pulled away- and worse- kissed back made him feel like he would never be able to face him again.

The bathroom wasn't exactly the best place to hideout but between classes that single stall may be the only sanctuary of not being stumbled upon. He knew he was being stupid. He didn't want to be the kid who was in the bathroom each break, every break for the rest of his life.

Stan leaned down and sat on the floor farthest from the toilet. Sure it was sick, but he was tried of standing. Thoughts of the dance flashed through his head and he sighed in annoyance. It had been a reoccurrence to him ever since the incident. Not only that, but also Wendy and her strange turn of endearment.

His stomach gave a flip as he remembered Kyle's lips and then vanished as soon as it appeared.

'Damn it' he thought, not quite knowing the reason as to why he felt this way.

'Kyle is a boy. I'M a boy!!!!' he seethed to himself. The bell rang, he had geometry next and luckily Kyle didn't. He creaked open the door and then came out of the bathroom stall. He went to the sink and turned on the grungy taps to release the cold water.

"Stan?"

"Kyle!" He stood and wiped his face with his sleeve. Kyle turned momentarily to the door and Stan heard it lock.

"I didn't know these doors locked-" Kyle stalked towards him until he hit the stall wall where he was instantly pinned between the others body.

"You have no reason not to trust me Stan. We've been friends forever, it just makes sense to move on with things" he leaned forward and gently kissed his lips, it made Stan forget he was flat against the stall.

"Kyle, we're at school," Stan said out of breath just as he heard the final bell ring though the bathroom. He felt a sudden jolt and he raised his head from his arms. Confused and breathing heavily he realized that he had fallen asleep on the bathroom stall floor.

"God I'm such a loser."

* * *

Stan opened his front door to his house. He simply decided on skipping the whole day instead of hiding out in the washroom all day.

"Maybe you should learn to grow up one of these days Randy! I hate the way you spend all your time in this stupid basement, Jesus. You're throwing away your family."

"Sharon go back upstairs, gossip and make dinner like you're good at, or is that the understatement of the week?" Randy replied bitterly to his wife.

Sharon did not reply she whipped open the basement door, hitting her son square in the face.

"Honey I'm so sorry, I had no idea- are you ok?" She asked sympathetically.

She changed her tone completely and shouted down to the basement at her husband angrily, "and I wasn't talking to you Randy, jackass!"

"Come here sweetie, oh it's already swollen, why are you home so early? Here sit down"

"Spare mom," he lied

"Ok, well we'd better get ice on that before it gets too swollen.

"Mom, what were you guys arguing about? Is it about me?" His leg was shaking trying to keep himself calm.

"Oh Stan, no it wasn't. Your father and I were just, don't worry about it Stan, you have nothing to worry about." She smiled and placed a facecloth of ice over his face.

* * *

When I heard my parents downstairs it was almost like that door in the face was exactly how I was feeling. It didn't even hurt, but more made me realize that no matter how hard I tried nothing could ever go right anymore. Going to school with a bruised face was going to suck. I looks like I got my ass kicked and I can't say it was my mom with the basement door- I don't think that would do over well.

* * *

"Where were you yesterday Stan, holy shit what happened?" Kyle asked noticing the bruiese on his face.

"What? Nothing… I- basement door." He stuttered out. "I was sick yesterday too"

Kyle looked skeptically at his friend, which made Stan panic slightly, just having his eyes on him made him frantic. "What?"

"You sure you're ok you look a little shaken up."

"No I'm fine."

"OK, but I think if there is anything I should know about you can tell me, like is there someone from the school, we can also go to the principals."

"Kyle, stop I'm fine" Stan was actually getting tired of Kyle consistency with the bruises.

"Well, Stan, it just doesn't look normal, dude. Who hit you with the basement door, or if that's your codeword for fist?" Stan turned around and punched Kyle, knocking him to the ground.

"That is the codeword for fist now leave me alone, nothing happened, it was an accident I don't know why you had to be such a retard sometimes!!" Stan couldn't believe himself. He just punched his friend because he didn't want to tell him why he was eavesdropping on his parents and why she would have a reason to open the door so forcefully.

"Stan, Kyle, in my office. Now."

"Ok, so talk" the principal said when they both took a seat. A fuming Kyle with a swollen cheek on the left and bruised Stan on the right looking like he was ashamed for his actions. Which he was, only he knew Kyle was too upset about it to care right now.

"Well, what happened?"

"I punched him. He didn't do anything." Stan said quietly. She leaned forward.

"Boys, you two are good friends, there has to be a reason why you would do this now what happened?"

"He didn't do anything! Jesus! He was being nosy like you are!" Stan snapped at her and then quickly bit his tongue. This wasn't like him at all. Just one more thing he had to put on his family was this he was going to have detention forever after this.

"Ok. Kyle you're dismissed and go see the nurse." She waited for Kyle to leave the room before turning her gave back to Stan.

"Where are those from then?" She asked looking over the bruises on his face.

"I fell out of bed yesterday." He averted his eyes to the floor and waited for his punishment.

"Well Stan, this is serious. You're suspended for the rest of the week. School violence isn't tolerated and it isn't the way to deal with anything especially at your age. I will be meeting with you and your parents so I suggest you go home and make your story straight.

Stan knew his parents would be pissed and he knew that the principal would have called them by the time he got home. He knew he was right as he walked in the door and his mother was sitting at the kitchen table nursing a cup of black coffee. She never drank black coffee unless she was upset about something.

"I'm sorry mom I didn't really mean to." Stan started when he saw his mother.

"Sorry about what Stan?"

"You don't know?"

"Know what? I just got home an hour ago- I went shopping. What's going on?"

"I kinda got suspended… for punching a kid…"

"Stanley! That is not like you! What's gotten into you? Ever since you started school you have been acting strange. Room, now. You are grounded young man. Just wait till your father hears about this." Sharon sat back down at the table and topped up her cup and then simply stared at it.

"The principal want to meet with you mom, she probably left a message. I'm sorry," he said before walking up to his room

"Stanley," she yelled up the stairs.

"What?"

"Who? Who did you hit?"

"Kyle" he said after hesitating not sure if he should lie or not. Sharon didn't bother to further he questioning it was obviously something that was bothering her son and she didn't want to push him away if he was feeling fragile for some reason.

Stan rolled over on his bed and heard a buzzing coming from his schoolbag. He opened the compartment and pulled out his cell phone and was surprised to see a text from Kyle.

Dude, what happened today? I know you hate me asking, but what the hell is the matter?

Stan couldn't decide whether or not to answer he hit the reply button and stared at the buttons. Sighing he closed his phone and tossed it on the floor.

* * *

Well sorry for the delay. I'll have the next chapters up soon enough, but a review or two would be nice. :)

BRB


	4. The Shadows Descend

**Chapter 4  
The Shadows Descend**

Even at 18 there is only so much a person can take, hell even at 40. Kyle really is doing something to my mind and I can't figure out what it is. He doesn't even get it, doesn't see and I don't think he would understand. Just like I don't understand I suppose. I just have to try, have to see and end up making everything complicated. It doesn't have to be complicated I know it doesn't.

But he makes it that way and so does she. Together they make my life miserable. When he kissed me it was different from when she and I did. Then, just when I thought things couldn't get worse for me this happened. It almost as if they planned it, I knew their life couldn't go back to normal after that and I could see it. Only this time Shelly isn't here and I'm old enough to understand, but I don't want to.

It's been a month. Mom and Dad are getting worse than I've ever seen, Kyle never seemed upset about that black eye I gave him but I hate that. I didn't mean to and I can't express how sorry I was and am, and how I wished I didn't do it, but he doesn't care about it. At first he said he was pissed, but he said he was worried about me. Said it wasn't me.

I don't know what my mom and the principal talked about that day but it was something important. They have been meeting ever since and now I have to go see the school counsellor starting next week about something and I think it's stupid.

Although to top things off Kyle decided to invite me over to stay at Clyde's with him cause they're all watching wrestling and then camping out on the lawn cause a lot of guys are going. Getting wasted like usually so lame, but Kyle wants me to go so I guess I will.

I guess he decided this weekend at Clyde's would fix everything, but I knew that it wouldn't. So maybe it healed a black eye problem but it made me realize I tried something I knew I shouldn't have.

* * *

"Stan you can't go" Randy said. "You're still being punished."

"Dad I've been back to school for an entire month now, what are you talking about. I went to the movies last week, why is this any different." Stan argued back.

"Randy you're being ridicules, what do you mean he can't go? He's already been punished for that." Sharon jumped in, placing her coffee cup on the table and placing her hands on her hips.

"It's fine mom, I don't have to go, I don't want to."

"Oh you happy now Randy! Now he's upset, it's just a sleepover!"

"That's good Sharon, real nice! Make him take your side and hate me" Stan could hear his parents fighting as he ascended to his room and he hated it even more. Another day at home was going to drive him crazy- his parents were always bickering and lately he's been the fuse, no matter what.

Ever since the accident with Kyle Randy has just wanted to keep punishing him because his mom wanted to lift it but frankly he didn't care what his punishment was as long as he could leave the house.

Clyde's was tomorrow night and he already said he would go not knowing his parents would go all psycho again, but he almost expected it.

"He doesn't need you always breathing down his back!!!" he could hear his mother shouting.

"And he certainly doesn't need a mother to nurture him at 18"

"He always needs a mother, I'm not so sure he needs a father."

Stan placed his headphones over his ears and turned his music on, anything to drown them out. The louder his music was the better it made him feel about everything. Listening to music about how bad someone else's life made him feel better. The only thing better was to actually see it.

Song after song ended and the dead silence between each track brought him back to the reality of his parents fighting downstairs. Now it was over money, 5 minutes from now it'd be about Shelly at college and then 20 minutes from now it'll be about the mortgage on the house- it just never ended. Constant bitter attacks from one mouth to the other and the root of the problems always seem to come back to one person, Stan- or so he thought.

Stan wasn't much of an artist, but lately he had been having these vivid dreams that involved Kyle and his parents but they look odd and sound different. The colours the shapes and creatures every time he closed his eyes he saw them, trying to tear him and his family apart and Kyle was always there just… watching.

He sat up in bed and grabbed his newly purchased sketching utensils and paper and started grafting out one of these creatures, poorly but still greatly absurd. He looked at his doorway and saw Kyle standing there and wondered if he was dreaming, but it all seemed too real. He continued to draw instead, shrugging it off as a daydream.

"Stan!" he heard through his music. He removed his headphones and looked at the red head boy standing awkwardly in his doorway wondering why he was even there.

"Are you ready to go? I have the tent." Stan shrugged grabbed a bag and shoved dirty clothes on the floor in it, grabbed a pillow and blanket and left the room.

" I sure am"

"Stanley I thought we told you. You are staying in"

"For god sakes Randy give it a rest!" Sharon ripped the magazine she was reading from her face to confront her husband once again.

"Come on" Stan said, gripping Kyle's wrist and dragging him out the door. After realizing he was almost holding Kyle's hand he blushed lightly.

* * *

The wrestling game sucked and Stan hated the last few hours of his life, but it got him out of the house so he supposed it couldn't be that bad. He looked over at Kyle who was fixing his sleeping bag and getting ready for bed.

"Kyle… do you remember the dance?"

"Sorta, ya…why? Is that the reason you punched me" he joked but Stan could hear a lace of honesty in his voice.

"That would have to be the farthest of why I'd punch-' they both stopped and looked at each other. "What I mean is- no it wasn't. Did you feel anything when you did that? Like sparks or something in you?"

"Where is this going dude?"

"I think… I'm sure actually, that…" Kyle was waiting for him to spit it out.

"That my parents are getting a divorce." He changed his mind at the last second and told him something else to change the trail of the previous conversation. He had been averting eyes with him all night.

"What?! W... when did that happen? I had no idea."

"Kyle?"

"Are you going to be ok?"

"How serious are you and Rebecca?"

"Um… I don't think we're serious at all; she's very focused on her work. What about you and Wendy?"

"I don't know, I've sorta been avoiding her calls and at school for the last while."

"Are you sad?" Stan asked Kyle curiously, staring at his sleeping bag. "About Rebecca?"

"A little I suppose."

"Well…" Stan edged forward moving onto the sleeping bag with him feeling panicked but unable to stop. "We can keep it just between us" He whispered. "That you're sad you know" Kyle laughed and shoved his best friend.

"Here I thought you were going to give me some cheering up advice."

"You want advice?" Stan said and thought about what the advice could be.

"Ya, defiantly." He replied waiting for him to give him a funny line that had nothing to do with the conversation. Kyle was right about one thing, it didn't have much to do with the conversation but it wasn't funny.

"Don't ever get married." He gave him a slight smile.

"You know Stan, it may not be so bad maybe it will make everything better, maybe they just need time apart to sort things out."

"Kyle like you would say that if they were your parents! Sorry."

Stan grabbed at Kyle's face and kissed him hard pushing him to the sleeping bag he had just laid out. Stan now was semi-straddling Kyle who pushed him away from his face to see what came over him.

"Sta-"

**All the pain I feel  
couldn't start to heal  
although I would like it to  
this time I'm for real**

"Shhh…" He placed his lips over Kyle's once again and ran his hand down him arm to rest on his side. Kyle's hands lifted themselves to the back of Stan's neck and it egged him on, kissing more aggressively, pursuing the inside of his mouth. Kyle felt as if this was wrong, not that he was kissing a guy but because he was doing to make himself feel better. Rebecca was ignoring him, and Stan could be like any other girl taking his mind off her.

Kyle pushed Stan on his back and took charge of the situation; he wasn't going to let Stan be the stronger end of this. Ever since they were little and all through high school Stan always had the upper hand, sure bad things happened to him, but he was always the one in charge. He could tell now that Stan was like something he could mould and he was going to take advantage of that.

He trailed his kisses down his neck and slightly lifted his shirt. It was quite cold outside and both boys were lightly shivering. Kyle grabbed the blanket Stan brought and laid it over them, instantly feeling its heat. Kyle ran his hands up and down Stan's upper body feeling the boy squirm. He had never made anyone feel like this before and it made him smile inside. So he continued.

He started to nibble his ear and massaging his hips. Stan's hands never left Kyle's body while he was attacking his body and to be honest, Kyle didn't mind. He could say he never felt this way too, but he was sure that Stan wouldn't understand what he meant by that.

He did feel sparks or whatever Stan was talking about, in the pit of his stomach whenever he kissed Stan, but they happened whenever Stan would whimper or dig into his back with dull fingertips.

Their lips meshed once more and Stan locked his arms behind Kyle's neck, letting his tongue trace his lips. Kyle suddenly felt guilt and felt as if things were being taken too far and too intense and he pulled away.

"We gotta get sleep" Kyle said and he left the blanked and went to his own area leaving Stan confused to curl up on his own and to remember the trails of burning flesh that Kyle left behind. He had a hard time steadying his breathing and the shakes. His little friend down below wasn't helping too much either.

"I'm going home Kyle." Stan said quietly.

"Shut up Stan, and sleep."

"No, I'm cold and… I don't want to sleep in a tent in the middle of winter."

"It's not winter, come here" Kyle go up and wrapped a pair of warm arms around Stan's torso and struggled him into a spooning position with him. Stan felt tense and couldn't relax his beating heart and heightened breath.

"Don't bother" Stan told him but couldn't actually leave.

"Shut up,' he kissed the nape of his neck "and go to sleep asshole." Stan closed his eyes, shivering from both the cold and Kyle's arms. He didn't know if this was a dream or reality or even what Kyle was doing, but he like it.

* * *

Thanks 2 funtime and IzzBella! Ya smiles. Next chap soon.

Please review.

BMB


	5. We Both Go Down Together

Well this took forever... I've been SUPER busy with school so yea... here  
this chapter is for lolabloodlust (thanks for reading)

Chapter 5  
We Both Go Down Together

You can say a lot without saying anything at all. Just by your eyes when you wake up, and how stumble upon words trying to extrapolate what you actually meant by the "comment" you happened to blurt out unexpectedly.

* * *

"I didn't mean to- I'm sorry Kyle. I really am… It's just that-"

* * *

See what I mean, total failure. He just walked away and I was left shivering and cold in a tent at early morning. I always find it hard to sleep when spooning with someone, especially if that person happens to be your best friend… and a guy.

At the same time- I just can't sleep because my stomach keeps me awake, it tosses and turns and tries to entice me to roll over and kiss the person on the other side. My heart flutters uncontrollably and I can feel their breath on the back of my neck making my own breath race.

I lie to myself… a lot. I look at the other people and hope they see the lie. The lie I make myself believe. I know deep inside that last night was weird and I shouldn't have, well, enjoyed it. I prefer to think that I was under the influence of being really cold and his warm body again my warm body. It's a very drunk feeling I suppose. I just have to remind myself to never sleep over at Clyde's ever again.

In a month we'd be going to New York.

The days seemed to be shorter and shorter with everyone around me talking about it. Why do they make you pay so early in the year when you think it will still be fun because it won't! I wish hadn't paid 450 dollars for this trip. The month was dwindling away into 3 weeks, then into two weeks.

I sat staring at a bottle of water. It seemed to taunt me; it was as if it were alive. Its blue and white wrapper stuck to its plastic surface like a bath towel. The happy text scribbled across in an aesthetically pleasing way and for some reason it was that that made me buy it and not the brand. I stared at it- and it stared at me. It egged me on, said, 'go ahead- drink me. I dare you' and then I realized. It's just a bottle of water, and nothing else.

The cafeteria was packed as usual and I was surrounded by the usual folk- Kenny (to my left), Kyle (to my right), Cartman (in front of me stuffing his face) and Tweek who was twitching beside Kyle.

It had been for sometime that I had felt depressed. I didn't understand it or at least that's what I told everyone. I knew exactly what it is or who... there are several people. My parents for starters; I don't know how long they are going to stay together and Kyle with his stupid everything! For a few days it showed. Kyle and Kenny's days' consisted of shoving whole brownies in their mouths to make me smile. After a couple weeks I got sick of people asking me what was wrong so I just pretended to be happy. A interacts with B while C looks on… that's right- how lame is that. A façade is what it is, nothing more than a lie. It's nothing less then me going on the Internet and pretending to be a woman. It's just me- pretending to be happy so they leave me alone- I just wanted to be alone to begin with.

I'm so sick of seeing my friends happy. If I'm not happy- why should they get to be? I'd be perfectly happy if they were as miserable as I was. I wish it was like before where we would all sit together and wish we had girlfriends or something.

"Stan!" Kyle said. He was leaning across the cafeteria table trying to get Stan's attention. "Dude, the bell rang we have class"

"Sorry." Stan gave a fake smile and stood walking away before Kyle could even calculate what had happened.

"So Saturday is the big day huh!" Kyle caught up and thought it would cheer Stan up by bringing up the New York trip again. Stan caught himself before he said anything stupid and just nodded.

"So do you wanna meet up at my house or something and then go to the school or do you want to just meet at the school because it's cool either way with me. I can always meet at your house you know" Kyle was trying his hardest to make Stan think of anything else but his problems inside, although he didn't even know what they were.

"Hey Kyle, I have an idea." Stan stopped before they entered the class, turned on heel and started walking towards his locker. Kyle looked towards his class and then towards Stan before cursing himself and running after Stan.

"What do you think you're doing?!" he asked in a hushed voice as if someone would hear or even care.

"Skipping" Stan told him unfazed.

"Well skipping isn't the answer dude, you can't just bottle you're stupid emotions and expect people to help you when you start acting out! You're being unreasonable Stan just tell me what's wrong so I can help you before you do something really stupid you jackass!" Kyle leaned against the lockers expecting his speech to open Stan up and tell him everything.

"Have fun in New York- I'm not going...jackass!" Stan spitefully retorted, slammed his locker and stormed away from Kyle through the double doors.

"Fine! I don't need your company anyway!" he turned and walked back to class getting looks from stragglers in the hall. "Shut up" he mumbled to those willing to hear.

* * *

Stan never got home so fast. His parents were both gone and the house was a mess. His mother decided that cleaning the house would make Randy happy so she just goes out everyday now. Ever since Stan's parents started fighting the liquor cabinet started to stock up. He grabbed a bottle of vodka and left the house once more.

He knew he'd be alone at Starks Pond. Not too many people go there anymore, unless they want to get high or drunk and if that's the case, Stan would be welcomed. He sat on a rock near the water away from prying eyes, opened his bag and took out the vodka and can of Fruitopia.

He opened the bottle and the strong smell filled his nose and he wondered if it was a good idea or not. He thought about how over the past month his parents have been fighting more and he took a drink followed by juice. He then thought about the first week of school and Wendy and Kyle and then how perfect everyone's lives are right now. He took a few more gulps gagging a bit before chugging the rest of the juice.

In his mind he constantly replayed how stupid he looked that night at Clyde's and often asked himself why he did that. "Stupid Kyle" he mumbled. Stan wasn't the kind of guy who drank a lot so when he did it usually hit him pretty hard. He could feel his head becoming very cloudy and he decided to dump the rest of the vodka out in to the water. The mixture made him sick, a velvet mess swirling in the water.

He felt so many emotions inside him and he didn't know which one to act on. He stood him mind confused and spinning. It took him much longer to get home and at times he couldn't recognize where he was. He was focused on getting home and hoped that his parents weren't there- for their sakes. He passed by Kyle's house oblivious to the fact that Kyle was in the process of taking the garbage out.

Kyle knew when he was being ignored and he knew that Stan genuinely didn't notice him. He also noticed that he was staggering all over the sidewalk so he decided to follow him home.

Stan immediately opened the liquor cabinet again grabbing all the alcohol from it this time and brought it into the kitchen. One by one he opened the bottles and began dumping the contents down the sink. He emptied one bottle after another until there wasn't any left in the house.

"Stan?"

Stan whipped around and chucked the bottle he was holding at the speaker. It hit the wall and shattered. Stan slid to the floor and stared at the broken glass.

"What is going on with you? You're starting to scare me and since when do you drink and throw bottles at people?"

"I thought you were my dad and I thought I made it clear for you to leave me alone Kyle!!" his words were tied together and took Kyle a few seconds to decipher what he was saying.

"Right, because you are in the shape to look after yourself. I need you to talk to me Stan and I know this goes deeper than your parents and don't lie to me anymore." Stan was silent and Kyle sighed. "Of course, how can you lie to me when you don't even tell me anything? Well I'm here when you need me." He said truthfully and then walked over to Stan and helped him stand.

"I wanna sleep" Stan mumbled and started walking towards the stairs with the help of Kyle. A few times Stan shoved away Kyle's arm but he would not allow him to walk alone.

"Just let me help you" Kyle said sternly and Stan stopped struggling. He fell into his bed, facedown on the pillows. Kyle removed his shoes and covered him up as Stan curled into a ball.

"Everything sucks" Stan said quietly. "I'm sorry... I'm still going to stupid New York... it's better than being here."

"Don't worry about it, I'll see you tomorrow" he told him. By the time he had said those words Stan was fast asleep. Kyle went downstairs to the kitchen, cleaned up the bottles and broken glass and headed for home still worried about his friend.

* * *

Alright... new chapter up soon this time I PROMISE... again thanks to lolabloodlust for making me write again... please review :)


	6. The Source of Secrets

Thanks for the reviews

Chapter 6  
The Source of Secrets

You turn 10 and suddenly you think the world's changed- you've got two digits you're so fucking old. Then 13 comes around, you're a teenager and it's the greatest thing in the world. Suddenly you're walking around town like you're the shit and going to movies with all your teeny friends. Then you turn 16… whatever it is that makes 16 special it does it with fucking style and makes being 13 look like nothing. You can get into higher rated movies, stay out later, you're in high school, into girls and experimenting with stuff. When 18 rolls around it makes all these ages look minimal. It means you're 3 years from being 21 and your in your last year of high school, can bone any girl if you've got the power and drugs and alcohol may or may not be an experiment. Getting wasted is a weekend tradition- just because you're 18 and when you're 18, in grade 12 that is what all the cool kids do. Get drunk cause it soooooooo great to get trashed.

So here I am. 18, alone in a bus seat coming home from the city that was attacked from a class field trip that was about GOD knows what and while I was there I get to do all this fun stuff like run around with all the little kids and shop and eat and tour. It just didn't work for me. Not right now. I think I've really screwed things up.

* * *

The school is so unfortunate we have to share a room with four people. Two beds, that's the problem. Kyle and I are in a room together no questions asked, but we're with two other guys we hardly know but they hate us anyway.

Kyle was still upset that I wouldn't tell him why I went binge drinking the other day and he won't believe me when I say it wasn't about him. Probably because I am lying but it's not just about him. I think he's mad at me now because I'm not talking to him. The entire bus ride down I stared out a window and listened to music and I could tell he wanted to talk. Ever so often he would bump his elbow into mine and then act like it was a mistake. What was I supposed to say to him? You're driving me crazy? And to top it off my parents hate each other and me for dumping their booze… This just isn't making the situation between us better.

"Are you in there Stan?" Kyle knocked on the door to the bathroom. Stan had been sitting on the floor for over an hour while everyone else got settled. "Of course you're in there; you've been sulking ever since we left South Park. Stan seriously, everyone has problems so get over yourself. I told you I was here for you but if you don't want to talk about it then fine! So just stop being stupid about it and join your friends in New York!!" Kyle walked away from the door and was tired of trying to make Stan happy. He had tried being nice, he had tried being honest and he had tried being mean Stan just wasn't willing to cooperate.

Stan opened the bathroom door and slunk out. He had spent the last hour trying to write a letter to Kyle explain how he felt but wasn't able to put it down on paper. He walked to his bag and shoved the notepad into the bag. Kyle was rummaging through his bag on the small coffee table, his back turned to Stan.

"Kyle…" Stan said quietly. He didn't turn and he didn't speak but he stopped what he was doing and listened. He heard Stan patter over to him on the carpeted floor and then felt Stan's forehead rest between his shoulder blades. "I want to say thank you. And I'm sorry but I can't tell you what's bothering me right now. But I promise you one day I will… I promise… I really do…it just can't be today or tomorrow… but I promise…" both boys heard the door click and began doing something unrelated.

Stan grabbed the TV guide and turned red while Kyle had his back to the door and continued to look through his bag for his sunglasses just as red as Stan.

Jason and Matt, two boys from the class walked in and gave them dirty looks and then continued on about how hot New York chicks were.

"Get your shit of my bed marsh" Matt said and threw his bag onto the floor, his notebook flying across the room under the table. Unknowing, Stan simply repacked his bag and set in the closet area.

"I'm going downstairs Kyle; we have to get ready to go to some museum or something…" Stan left the room before Kyle could say anything. He had finally found his glasses and turned around to follow.

"Better follow you're boyfriend Kyle" Matt said punching his shoulder and then also leaving the room with Jason. Kyle bent down to pick his glasses up and noticed the notebook under the table.

He opened it up knowing he shouldn't but once he say his name written on the top of the page he continued to look. There were at least 50 pages with 'Kyle," written on it followed by two or three words and Kyle knew that Stan was trying to tell him what was wrong with a letter. He sighed and closed the book and started to shove it in Stan's bag.

"What are you doing?" Stan asked "Get out of there" he yelled defensively. "Mr. Dunn told me to tell you to hurry up and I find you looking through my stuff? What's your problem?!"

"NOTHING! I was just putting in your bag because I found it on the floor… it must have fell out of your bag earlier." Kyle stormed away feeling red in the face. He didn't exactly lie he really wasn't looking through Stan's stuff on purpose.

Stan felt angry with himself. 'Just one more thing I can't do right' he thought. He let his arms fall in exasperation and slammed the hotel door. He kept trying to think of ways to apologize to Kyle but he wouldn't even look at him. One of the activities that the school had planned for them was a tour of New York on the bus: it was educational and fun! Stan sat at alone on the bus but across from Kyle scribbling in his notebook trying to apologize to Kyle.

Kyle,  
I don't know why I would blame you for something like that but… if just seemed as if you were still trying to find stuff out about me. I'm sorry and I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions…

Stan read it over and over again and then scratched it out for the sixth time. He thought again for a moment and then ripped a sheet of paper out of his notebook and wrote in the middle of it, 'smile'. He folded it up and tossed towards Kyle.

It startled him but he opened the piece of paper and couldn't help but smile. If Kyle thought he was going to receive a note from Stan he would at least think it would hold more than one word. But 'smile' was enough to see that Stan was sorry. Kyle did feel bad for holding information, but he figured what Stan didn't know couldn't hurt him.

The consisted of seeing a museum, walking around central park and learning about that, and then having the last 2 hours free to do shopping exploring or whatever the students fancied. Stan and Kyle were pretty bored and didn't care for shopping so the decided to just wonder the sidewalks.

Kyle and Stan sat in Starbucks for a little over an hour and then decided to head back to where everyone was meeting. It happened so quickly that neither Stan nor Kyle knew what happened but the next thing either realized was that Kyle was on the ground having been shoved to the ground by some pushy business men.

"You ok dude?" Stan asked, helping him up.

"Yea, I just hurt my knee a little, I'll be find I guess"

"We'll check it out on the bus…" Stan helped Kyle to the bus. They were early but since Kyle was hurt they were allowed on the bus.

"That looks sick Kyle. We need to get that cleaned up as soon as we get back" Stan gave a face of disgust at Kyle's knee and wondered what they could use to make it stop bleeding.

* * *

Kyle sat on the edge of the tub while Stan sat on the toilet trying to clean his knee with water.

"Good job on walking" Stan said and laughed slightly.

"I was pushed! People in New York are mean, well, pushy people. I got in the way" Stan finished cleaning the knee and placed a bandage and gauze over it, taping it in place.

"There" he said and stood, throwing the garbage into the trashcan and then washed his hands.



"Thanks" Kyle said and pulled his pant leg down.

"So what should we do? We have to be up for eight so I think we should go to bed early, but it's 9 now so something might be on" Stan went to open the door to the bathroom but Kyle kept it closed with his hand and pinned Stan's body between his and the door.

**So why'd you have to lie?  
I take it I'm your crutch  
the pillow in your pillow case  
is easier to touch**

Stan blushed and he wondered what Kyle was trying to do. It's been over a month since they kissed at Clyde's and almost three since the dance and the last thing he thought Kyle would do was this.

His lips touched the nape of his neck and Stan bit his lip. Kyle's hands left the door and wrapped them around Stan's waist, twisting him around. Ina split second his lips found Stan's and he had pushed him back into the door.

Stan zipped down the front of Kyle's sweater and pulled it off him letting it fall in a clump on the floor. Stan was confused about what he was feeling. He made out with Wendy and he never had his brain shut down and fully involved in the now. They broke apart only as Kyle lifted Stan's shirt over his head leaving him half naked. Kyle's hands roamed his back and pressed into him kissing his neck and sucking on the flesh. It was a bad idea he knew but he couldn't stop himself and Stan was just lost in the moment.

Stan moved his hands to Kyle's face and connected their lips again, parting his mouth so that their tongues clashed. Stan felt like air and even though Kyle was gripping his hips he didn't feel pain. Stan attempted to remove Kyle's shirt but he wouldn't allow it, instead he pinned Stan's arms above his head and began to ravish his neck again. Stan's eyes slid closed and he suddenly had memories from that morning. Kyle putting his book back in his bag and then he snapped back to reality.

Stan and Kyle were making out in the bathroom of a hotel on a school trip in a room they were sharing with two other boys. "Stop" he breathed and Kyle back away.

"What?" he asked confused.

"Exactly… what are we doing?" Stan said picking up his shirt and slipping it on feeling stupid. "I have to ask you something. I know that you didn't take the book from my bag, but did you look at it?" Kyle swallowed and looked away from Stan. "You did, didn't you?"

"Not really, I just opened it to see who it belonged to I didn't read anything" he picked up his sweater and zipped it up feeling awkward. "I really didn't see much"

"Luckily for both of us there wasn't much to see" Stan said opening the door and slammed it on Kyle before he could leave.

"Stan you are overreacting, at least be thankful I found it and not Jason or Matt. Would you have rather they found it-"

"Shut the fuck up! Leave me alone I don't want to hear it. I just want to leave me the fuck alone…" Stan unrolled his sleeping bag and got in feeling a burning sensation in his throat. All feelings he felt remained and he couldn't understand why Kyle didn't get that he lied to him.

"Stan?"

"Kyle I seriously don't want to talk to you… ever… as far as I'm concerned you're not even in this room. Goodnight." Stan stared blankly at the wall waiting for Kyle to speak again but he didn't. Stan didn't sleep all night and to his dismay neither Jason nor Matt came to sleep in the beds last night. When he decided to get up off the floor he noticed that Kyle was already awake and looked just as tired as he was, however Stan was too stubborn to say anything.

"Want some coffee?" Kyle asked but Stan ignored him and went on like he wasn't in the room. Stan had a quick shower and by the time he got dressed Kyle was already downstairs.

Stan knew the next five days were going to hard. He wasn't mad at Kyle anymore but he figured that if Kyle thought he was mad he wouldn't worry about him or ask him anymore questions.

* * *

So here I am. 18, alone in a bus seat coming home from the city that was attacked from a class field trip that was about GOD knows what and while I was there I get to do all this fun stuff like run around with all the little kids and shop and eat and tour. It just didn't work for me. Not right now. I think I've really screwed things up.

It was dark by the time the bus arrived at the school. Parents were waiting to pick up their kids and all their junk. Everyone's parents but mine of course. They were probably too busy hating each other to remember that I was to come back today. I waited for 30 minutes before I decided to walk home, lugging my pillow, blankets, suitcase and bag.

Every time headlights passed I hoped it was my parents just to believe that they didn't forget me but no car ever stopped. I was halfway home when I saw headlights and heard a car slowdown and stop behind me.

* * *

Kyle honked the horn. He couldn't believe that Stan wouldn't at least call his parents to come get him. Stan turned and noticed that it was Kyle and then continued to walk.

"Stan you have too much pride. Get in the car."

"No, I don't need your help and I'm almost home."

"Its 1:30 in the morning Stan, you're not going to be home for another half hour just get in the car" he shouted through the passenger window while driving slowly along side of him.

Stan stopped, the past week had been rough and he had gotten hardly any sleep. His feet felt like they were going to fall so he caved. "Fine"

* * *

I'll try and get chapter 7 up ASAP; I'm in the middle of writing it now so it should be up soon :)  
BMB


	7. Knives Don't Have Your Back

**Chapter Seven  
Knives Don't Have Your Back**

* * *

I read my horoscope while the bus had filled up with gas. "You've got more power over the situation than you realize, so step right up and make something happen. If you're happy with the way things are, it's a good time to reserve action for later." I do enjoy reading horoscopes because no matter which sign you read for you're able to relate it to something that has happened or when you read it- it will happen. It's like the self-fulfilling prophecy. If the goddamn newspaper section says you'll have a bad day then gosh darn it you'll _have_ a bad day or so help me.

Like I said you can relate to something in your life and act upon the little fortune expecting the outcome to be what they say. If this little clipping says I have power then I have power and I'm not happy with the way things are so I must take action… is that right?

I sat silently in Kyle's car pondering if this is the time to tell him to take control of the 'situation' but before I could he pulled up on to the curb and I got out.

* * *

Stan slammed the door to Kyle's car and heaved his luggage into the house. Stan got to his house and realized the door was locked. He emptied his hands and fumbled through his bag to find his set of spare keys; noticing through the corner of his eye that Kyle was still on the side of the road.

Stan's face made a frown knowing that he shouldn't be mad at Kyle anymore. He didn't know what Kyle had been thinking that night but he knew that it had to stop. Upon finding his keys he help them lightly between his fingers and raised his hand so that Kyle could see the object he was holding. Stan grinned and waved, turning instantly to unlock his door.

Kyle's eyes were wide with shock when he saw the grin across Stan's face. A minute ago Kyle thought Stan would try and ditch the car and now he seems quite fine. He waved as Stan shut the door and turned the car around and headed home, confusion whizzing around in his brain.

* * *

Stan didn't sleep much that night. He lay in his bed in a pool of moonlight with sheets and blankets carelessly wrapping his body. He thought about what he could say to Kyle and how he could tell his to not touch him anymore. His hands closed around the blanket as worry and guilt flooded his stomach. He was just as much to blame as Kyle was and as he closed his eyes he knew that both Kyle and Stan needed to work something out.

When morning broke Stan was a mess of limbs and sheets scattered across the bed. His alarm was persistently going off waiting for him to hear it. A hand reached from under the covers 

and slammed the alarm clock down until it stopped its rain of buzzing. Rolling out of bed Stan lazily rubbed his eyes, opened his mouth in a wide yawn and stumbled to the bathroom.

Stan spent most of the morning off in another world. His parents were gone by the time he got up and believed the more they avoided each other, the more they avoided him. Stan sat staring blankly at the microwave clock and clumsily ate his cereal.

He was sifting through the thoughts and mistakes in his brain trying to decide on the best plan of action. Was he to confront Kyle about it or was he to not say anything he was in control after all, so he knew he had to think of some sort of answer.

Half done his cereal, Stan let out another yawn and pushed the bowl away not bothering to put it in the sink. He rose from his seat packed a small lunch and headed for the bus. He leaned his forehead against the cool glass and watched as kids got on the bus.

Stan gave himself a metal kick when he was getting off the bus because he had not come up with a plan yet. Was he supposed to confront him at school? Stan shook his head and then continued through the busy hallways deep in thought. Suddenly his eyes burst with excitement and just as he realized what was going on he ran into someone's open locker door followed by sporadic laughter. Embarrassed and red Stan rushed to his locker and quickly wished he would pay more attention.

"Get to sleep ok last night" Surprised by the sudden voice Stan slammed his locker closed and surprised not only the speaker but himself as well. He stood face to face with Kyle, eyes wide and unsure of what to say.

"I guess" he mumbled.

"I was wondering…" both boys said at once and then both tried to speak again but interrupted one another again. Kyle gave an awkward laugh and then paused for a moment. Now the two boys were sharing an uncomfortable silence not knowing if the other was going to speak.

"Do you want to come over tonight to hang out?" Stan finally said.

"To talk things over" Kyle inquired which made Stan's heart skip a beat. It was ok when he thought it but when his ears actually heard the meaning behind the words 'talk things over' he didn't know his plan was anymore.

"No," _**Liar**_ Stan thought bitterly to himself. "I think we just need to have a night of videogames or something because things have been…stupid" he mumbled again.

"Well sure. It sounds cool just tell me when and I'll show up" Kyle gave a half smile. "I have to get to class but I'll see you at lunch" he said as he was walking away. Stan shut his locker and leaned against the door feeling stupid. Now what was he supposed to tell Kyle? He walked off to class.

All day Stan was distracted and by lunch he decided he wanted to skip his afternoon classes once again. He didn't see Kyle at lunch like he said he would and he hadn't given him a time to come over either.

* * *

The clock signified that it was 5pm. Stan woke with a start from his slumber on the couch and looked around the house lazy eyed. The sun was beginning to dim in the sky and for several moments Stan was unaware of where he was.

There was a knock on his door and he jumped from the couch and looked around. His house was dark and the kitchen was a mess. He quickly straightened his clothes and answered the door. Kyle looked relieved when he answered and let himself in.

"Finally, I've been waiting for ten minutes. Didn't you hear me knocking?" he asked and gave a bag to Stan filled with videogames and movies. He took off his shoes and coat and slumped on the couch leaving Stan still in a daze. He looked into the bag and pulled out the first game he saw. He was expressionless as he set up the system and put the game on. He was still wondering what he was doing and even more confused as to what to say about 'the problem'.

"You're hiding something" Kyle said and then gave a small laugh. "But then again, you've been hiding stuff from me for that last- I don't know- 3 months!" It was a comment that Kyle didn't mean to say and it caused a silence to settle over them like the dust on the furniture. The start menu of the game blinked but Stan just held the controller in his hand wanting to tell him everything that he was feeling. About his parents, about himself, about how he cared about Kyle and how it was confusing; he wanted to explain that those were the reasons he got mad at him in New York not because of the book.

"I..." he began and as soon as Kyle looked at him he changed his objective. "I'm going to get my other controller ok" He stood and headed to his room.

"So, are you going to tell me?" Kyle asked leaning in Stan's doorway. His face was incomprehensible and Stan wasn't sure if he was angry or not. His voice didn't help much either; a mixture of contempt and sincerity.

Stan looked beyond Kyle not wanting to look into the accusing eyes. He sat on the edge of his bed and let the controller rest on his pillow.

"I..." Stan started and then paused unsure of how to finish that sentence for the second time that night. Kyle continued to stare intently on Stan as if he could make him understand his feelings better by scorching him with his eyes. "I want to stop these thoughts about it."

With a flood of confusion Kyle tried to figure out what 'it' was. He wasn't sure if 'it' was New York or Clyde's or whatever.

"About what?" He inquired after a moments silence.

"That thing" he stressed hoping that Kyle would start being the precocious asshole Stan knew him to be.

"Thing- what thing… what happened?" He asked not wanting to jump to conclusions until Stan made it clear what was upsetting him. He paused and then finally asked, "What's going on dude?"

"The kiss goddamn it" Stan flared, standing with fists balled. Stan's breathing was heavy and Kyle's felt a lump grow in his throat, wishing Stan hadn't mentioned what he thought this was about.

"Oh." He finally said. There was another long pause before he continued. "I'm sorry I didn't think it'd affect you that way. I mean you never said you were against gays- not that I am- but you have to admit it was just-"

Frustrated Stan cut Kyle off and shouted, "No you don't understand! I'm_ not_ gay!" He came closer to Kyle with worry in his eyes.

"I never said you were" Kyle said bluntly and backed against the wall.

Stan lightly but briskly wrapped both hands around the back of Kyle's neck, resting his thumbs on his jaw. "I want _this _to stop, but I just want to experience it again. Not because I'm gay cause I'm- not."

Kyle looked frozen into his friend's eyes trying to figure out what he was babbling on about. He had no idea what he was supposed to do so he grabbed Stan's wrists. Stan leaned forward and rested against his forehead. Kyle's head was buzzing with morals and what felt right and at the moment nothing felt right and morals weren't helping him.

"Maybe this is all a part of growing up or maybe it's something else. All I know is that I look at girls and I see them, all of them, how hot they are and how- but then I look at you and only you and it's different. It feels different; it's only you, only. I just… Kyle" he pleaded not knowing what else to say. "Ever since that stupid dance…" He lifted an arm and ran his thin fingers through his hair and Kyle simply let his hands fall.

"Stan- you… that was…" he bit his lip not wanting to tell him the truth behind everything. "This is crazy…" he finished. Stan had forgotten all about what had happened in the past and lost all sense of time. Stan was only in the now and he wasn't sure what he was going to do next.

"I know" he breathed and then something else took over him; gripping Kyle's hair he roughly closed the little space between himself and Kyle. Kyle had momentarily unwelcomed the lips but then willingly followed Stan as he pushed him forcefully against his wall. Stan couldn't help but ravish him and Kyle simply gave him encouragement by softly letting out moans whether of pain from being shoved or other.

Stan's tongue found its way into his mouth as his hands found their way under Kyle's shirt scratching the tender flesh beneath it. Stan turned him around and forced him on the far wall, pushing him against it with all his might and then violated his neck with biting and sucking causing the warm flesh to bruise.

Kyle still was hazy but he knew what was going on and he found that it was really hard to stop what he was doing- which wasn't much. His hands were shaking softly as the caressed Stan's arms eliciting more fire that Stan could handle. He tightly squeezed Kyle's hips and at the same time pinned him even more to the wall. He broke from his attack on Kyle and looked straight into his eyes with immense lust. Kyle breathed heavily and read his face, over and over again not recognizing this as the same Stan he was just talking to.

Stan grabbed the softly moving hands and pinned them down moving in once again. He thrust his tongue back into the boy's mouth and pushed his body against the smaller frame.

Suddenly, Kyle began to fight Stan's domination and struggled until he released him and moved back, panting.

"What?"

"I… I can't do this Stan. I'm sorry…I can't deal with this…" he broke off…_guilt _he thought. He looked down feeling ashamed of himself, pushed Stan out of the way and quickly leapt downstairs with Stan one step behind him begging for an explanation.

"What? What's going on? I'm sorry I didn't mean to…"

"I just can't" Kyle ripped open the door and stopped abruptly, face to face with Wendy. He quickly grabbed at his neck covering the fresh marks.

"Hi… am I interrupting?" she inquired skeptically.

"No" Kyle said quickly.

"Yes" Stan said abruptly after and then corrected himself as to not sound suspicious, "I mean no, no. Kyle's leaving, come on in Wendy." Kyle brushed past Wendy, who casually walked into the house looking over her shoulder as she went.

"Well that seemed heated" she commented,

"What? What do you mean?" Stan snapped wondering if she knew anything.

"That argument" she giggled.

"So, aren't going to invite me to stay?" she asked and as she entered the house she continued softly. "I saw you at school today you didn't look so good"

"Thanks" Stan said sarcastically.

"I didn't mean it like that- you just seemed confused and something's up- I know it is Stan, you can't hide things from me…" she smiled coyly and removed her coat revealing a slinky tank top.

Stan swallowed and replied, "no nothings going on…UP' he said quickly. 'Nothings up… just me… being me… you know just trying to get homework done and chores and…'

"I've missed you Stan, I really hope this isn't a bad time, you seem a little upset are you sure you're ok?" she said all at once and Stan felt helpless under her power, he always had. His voice was meek but the only thing he could say was, "I've missed you too." She smiled and gave him a hug. Stan hugged her back. His mind was moving so quickly he felt as if he was going to pass out; he was still trying to piece together what had just happened with Kyle.

Wendy had her head resting against Stan's chest listening to the rapid thumping of his heartbeat. He had his check pressing against the top of her head; eyes wide with wonder.

"I want things to work out Stan, you're meant for me," she said poetically. "We're meant for each other. If it wasn't hard, _this _hard… e wouldn't be soul mates right?" she smiled against his warm body and closed her eyes.

The words stung. _Soul mate_… Is she my soul mate?

Yay I'm not waiting months to update! Review pllllease

BMB


	8. Mental Masturbation

**Chapter 8  
Mental Masturbation**

* * *

I know this looks bad. But I'm way in over my head. First it was Kyle and now by some strange turn of events Wendy and all in the same day within the same hour. I just needed her right then, and she was there- willing as all hell.

Now I should avoid her.

Now I have to avoid him.

When things get worse it feels as if the world spins faster mixing it all together to make an even bigger mess. I feel as if at one point I was every colour of the rainbow, but I made a mistake by mixing them and now I've got this shitty brown colour. I've got shit now.

Now, I've failed. I don't think I can even forgive myself for such selfish actions. Christmas is right around the corner and I'm looking forward to the holidays; looking forward to not having to see anyone.

* * *

Kyle stood in front of the bathroom mirror. Stan had been fashionably violent with him yesterday. There were scratch marks on his back and bruises on his hips in the shape of fingerprints. He bit his lip and tucked in his shirt. He used his mothers cover up to disguise the bruises on his neck not sure what excuse he could tell his friends.

'Kyle, what are you doing in there? It's not good for a boy to spend that much time in the bathroom. What are you doing?' Kyle's mother knocked on the door incessantly and he knew what she was going to ask. He quickly fixed his clothes and opened the door.

'Bye mom' he grabbed his lunch and then rushed out of the house.

At lunch Stan avoided Kyle and Kyle avoided everyone else. He sat in the corner of the cafeteria where no one sat at all. Books and a propped up blue tray to hide his face surrounded him. He had his hood pulled down almost covering his eyes pretending to read a sociology textbook. He was staring intently at Wendy and Stan.

'Why should I feel jealous? I'm the one who ran out… I don't actually… feel… anything,' Kyle thought looking at Stan (who appeared confused and miserable) and Wendy (who appeared too cheerful to tell). She was trying to get him to eat some of her desert that she brought to school but Kyle could tell he wasn't interested.

A blush rose to Kyle's cheeks as he remembered what was hidden under the collar of his shirt and what bruises resided on his hips. He hadn't realized how rough Stan could be but remembered how good with sports he was and it pretty much answered his questions.

When he noticed Stan glance over at his table he quickly moved the book in front of his face and felt his heart beat race. 'If Stan knows I'm spying on him he might get the wrong idea' he peaked out from behind the book again and Stan was looking carelessly at Wendy as she talked on and on. 'But… what is the idea?' He shook his head and suddenly felt angry with Wendy. 'What is she thinking taking all his time? He won't want to spend any time with his friends anymore' Kyle crumpled up a sheet of loose paper and quickly piled his books.

'This has got to stop' Kyle said angrily slamming a small pile of books onto the cafeteria table at which Kenny and Cartman were sitting.

'And what's that Jew boy?'

'Screw you Cartman' he said out of habit and then continued with his purpose 'Wendy's assault on Stan. Now we all know how things were before they got together and how it was when they were together…' his face became dark and solemn. Bringing a fist on the table Kyle straightened his face and then leaned in so that he was whispering to the two boys. 'I suggest operation break up!'

'Why?' Kenny asked.

'Why?' Kyle repeated in disbelief.

'Yeah… why?' Cartman continued with the bombardment of stupid questions and then ate another fry.

'WHY?' he shouted and then leaned back in. 'Well unless we don't do something NOW we will lose Stan forever to that she-devil!!' he hissed.

'Is that bad? Think of the possibilities' Cartman began to imagine what life would be like without Stan around.

'I'll give you my desert for the rest of our high school career Cartman if you help.' Kyle told him with a very serious undertone and Cartman's eyes glazed over.

'Starting today…' Cartman said holding out a chubby palm and Kyle reached into his untouched lunch and pulled out a Twinkie and placed it in his hand.

'What's the plan?' Kenny asked not entirely enthralled. Kyle stared blankly and the shrugged.

'Oh Christ, you don't even have a plan? How great is that… well you still owe me your desert until you think of a plan' Cartman stated as the bell rang.

'Yea whatever dude' Kyle said and looked towards Stan's table. Stan was doing the exact same thing but once he noticed Kyle he frantically looked away. Wendy was talking and not realizing that Stan wasn't even listening.

* * *

'An intervention' Stan said to Kenny, Cartman and Tweek.

'What!' Tweek twitched. 'Wh- what did I do?' he asked.

'Nothing Tweek; this has to do with Stan. You're going to help us get Wendy away from him- she's total bad luck and I hate her.' Kyle finished honestly.

'Oh Jesus I don't think I can help with that! Its way too much pressure, what if she finds out? What happens then? What if Stan likes her! OH NO what if Stan likes her and we screw things up ahhh!' Tweek was beginning to ramble and Kyle shook his head.

'Tweek if you don't want to help that's fine' Kyle said and Tweek sighed with relief. 'But if you don't it just means you're a pussy' he added and Tweek let out a small scream and his whole body twitched.

'All right here's the deal. We need to get Wendy away from Stan for a little while and tell him what a big mistake he's making because we all know that it is a huge mistake. I'll need Cartman and Kenny to be there to tell Stan this so that leaves you Tweek. It's your job to get Stan away from Wendy and into the…' Kyle paused and thought about where he would bring Stan once he was away from Wendy. 'Into the music room no one is ever in there after school… well not usually. So get going Tweek'

'But ahhh what do I say? Oh man this is way too much pressure you guys are going to kill me…' he trailed off as he walked away from the three boys.

'Alright Kenny your job is to make him feel bad by telling him how much we all miss hanging out with him and Cartman your job is to make him feel guilty and like a loser for ditching us for Wendy. That should get him to reconsider the terrible choice he made…'

'And what are you going to do?' Cartman asked looking as if he didn't want to do any work.

'Me?' Kyle hadn't given it any thought. 'I – have to go home tonight… so I can't stay… but good luck guys' he said.

'WHAT?'

'Yea some Jewish thing- don't worry Cartman you'll do fine.'

'You goddamn Jew, making us do your dirty work. You're mad at him and you want to get back at him and I almost fell for your dirty Jew plan… screw you guys, I'm going home.' Cartman turned on heel and began to leave.

'Wait Cartman!'

'No,' he began 'I said "screw you guys, I'm going home' he then walked away; Kyle watching until he was out of sight.

'Kenny?' he questioned but Kenny shrugged and began to walk home. 'But Stan will be here soon you said you would help' Kenny mumbled something that sounded like he had to do homework.

'Shit' he said quietly.

'God damn it' he said louder.

'FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!' he yelled and slammed a fist into the locker while making his way to the music room. 'Stupid Cartman' he muttered under his breath. He snuck into the dark room and sat in a corner waiting for Stan to show up.

'He's not coming' he thought to himself. 'You made a jackass of yourself and he doesn't care.' Kyle reached a hand up to his neck where he knew the bruises were hiding and he felt his stomach suddenly flip with anxiety and excitement. He sighed loudly and waited for his stomach to calm down. He brought his knees up to his chest and held them close to his body, leaning his head down on the top of his knees. 'I should count this as a blessing' he thought bitterly. 'No Stan around means no more stupid thought, no more stupid feelings and no more annoying hurt and confused Stan….' He looked up at the wall and saw a shadow- instantly ducking behind the counter.

The door squeaked open. 'Alright get your stupid instrument; see there is nothing scary about the music room.'

'Ahhh' was his reply. There was a small sound from Stan as Tweek pushed him into the room and wedged the door closed so Stan could no open it.

'What the hell Tweek?' Stan shouted and banged on the door. Kyle's heart was thumping as he sat flush against the wall trying not to breathe. The lights flipped on and the room was bathed in a bright glowing blaze and Kyle's heart stopped. Stan's eyes met his and his eyes widened.

'Um…' he started not knowing how he should explain himself.

'Here to make me feel like a fool again?' Stan asked sharply and Kyle looked at him stunned. 'Here to make me feel ignorant? Like I don't know what I'm doing? Well save it Kyle… and this plan of yours to get me alone was stupid.' He looked behind him at the door and then walked closer to Kyle his heart racing the entire time. 'Besides, you think I'd do anything with you here… or NOW…' he asked quietly.

'I just know why you're with Wendy' Kyle swallowed and as much as he wanted to stand to be at Stan's level he found that he wasn't able to stand. 'It's to get back at me for running out isn't it?' Stan's eyes narrowed.

'Like that would matter' he spit the words bitterly.

'Yea it would' Kyle stood and raised his shirt slightly. 'Do you see these?' he motioned towards the bruises on his hips and then allowed his shirt to fall. 'Where am I going with this?' he thought.

'Sorry…' Stan said letting his head hang.

'I just mean… I think this is more serious than you intended it… than either of us intended it to be… and Wendy is just a crutch for you right now. You're not confronting what is really going on' Kyle stated.

'It doesn't have to complicated...'

'And besides Wendy is probably just using you anyway until she finds someone new again' Kyle groaned looking up at Stan's disappointed face.

'You obviously don't want to do anything but you were the one who started it with that stupid dance.' he mumbled. 'I don't even know what I want...I guess it was just a phase' he said quietly almost until Kyle couldn't even hear him.

Kyle's mouth was dry and he wanted to know what Stan was thinking and feeling. He couldn't understand what he was feeling at the moment. His whole body was laced with jealously, anger and need. He didn't want to let go of Stan because he knew that Stan wanted him.

'I just think that – I might seem weird if anything else would happen.' Kyle leaned against a desk trying to sort out his feelings. 'I think that whatever was going on in our heads that-' he swallowed not sure where to go with this. 'It was… just… it wasn't real' he blurted out. Stan looked at him sharply.

'I'm pretty sure it was' he snapped back, which caught Kyle off guard. 'Like it or not something is going on between us and you're completely to blame. Because of you Wendy was dragged into this! Do you think I really want to be with her again? She doesn't make me happy Kyle, she doesn't! You… do-don't understand…' he quickly changed his direction of conversation.

'What don't I understand Stan? You're confused I get it but that doesn't mean I'm entirely to blame.' Kyle's fists clenched.

'Jesus Kyle don't make it sound like I'm in love with you!!' the both boys stopped in their argument and Kyle stared doe eyed at Stan who was breathing heavier than normal. He had realized what he said and noticed that it made Kyle uncomfortable.

'But I thought-' Kyle started and then stopped. He didn't expect those words to sting so much and he wished Stan hadn't said them.

'I just can't deal with this right now anymore. This whole thing between you and now with Wendy is really making me dizzy. I have my family to worry about now and its not going too well'

'What? I'm sure its just a small spat, they'll get over it Stan'

'Open your eyes Kyle. You think I'm this upset just because of you…' he lied slightly 'my parents are at each other's throats when they're together. My dad sleeps in the basement if he's home- he mostly stays in hotels. That's fucked up dude… that isn't a family. On top of that Shelly won't return anyone's phone calls. She tells us that she doesn't want to be part of our dysfunctional family…' Stan stopped to let himself cool and to stop himself from spilling anymore.

'I had no idea it was that bad…' Kyle looked at him blankly.

'You have no idea about a lot of things…' Stan muttered. 'Every time you just use me and then push me away and then think its alright… its not worth it…' Stan let his head fall and he began to pick up his things.

'Wait… where are you going?' Kyle asked looking frantically at him wanting to talk more.

'Listen, I'd like to stay and chat but I've must get home. Mom wants to talk about something and I'm already late. I can just imagine the good news she has to tell me' Stan hissed bitterly and turned away from Kyle.

'But-I… just…' Kyle tried to explain the words forming in his brain. Stan shook his head and began to leave.

'_**I love you' Kyle shouted and grabbed Stan before he reached the door. 'Don't go…' he pleaded and then leaned in and kissed Stan gently, his whole body flowing with desire.** _

Kyle shook his head and watched Stan leave knowing that outcome would happen only in his mind. He knew what Stan was going through because he was going through it too- he just couldn't tell him.

'I know more that you think I do…' Kyle thought.


	9. Please Wait, Just Stay

It's my longest chapter…hmm and sexiest!

**Chapter 9**

**Please Wait, Just Stay**

* * *

Bitter.

Bitter is all I can think about: bitter heart, bitter words, bitter tongue and bitter wind. This walk home is terrible. That ploy was terrible. And I know now that I am terrible. I'm no better than Kyle for running away. I just don't want to face him right now. If only.

I can just imagine what mother wants to take about. In fact I don't really want to imagine what stupid thing she wants to talk about. The house seems still like no one is even home. I want to walk past it but I know that I have nowhere else to go.

Kyle can just … forget about this whole thing now and I can go on pretending like it could have been different. This door never seemed so impenetrable before but I pushed my way through it to a dark house.

* * *

The house was quiet as Stan entered except for the quiet patter of rain starting to fall. The only light giving the house any illumination was the stove lamp. His mother and father were waiting for him at the kitchen table. Randy was stone faced stared at Stan from the moment he walked in. Sharon was gripping a coffee mug with her lips pursed together.

At the head of the table Randy called to his son, 'come sit down Stan, your mother and I have things to discuss with you.' Stan let his bag slide from his shoulder. He knew.

* * *

Stan could see that Kyle's light was on through his window. He picked up a small pebble from the road and threw it at his window. Inside Kyle sat at his computer desk finishing homework. The noise startled him; he stood and walked to the window. Looking down he saw a soaking wet Stan.

Burdened with confusion and worry, Kyle ran downstairs and outside in his socked feet. He waded through rain soaked snow to see why Stan had come to his house, especially after the harsh words exchanged earlier that day.

'I thought you were mad at me' Kyle said through rain, his feet freezing.

'Me too' Stan replied but added, 'turns out I'm not' Kyle could see that Stan was troubled so he grabbed his arm and began to bring him to the house predicting this had to do with the conversation with his mother.

Kyle closed the front door and removed his wet socks while Stan removed his shoes both dripping on the floor. 'C'mon up stairs' he said and with soggy clothes both boys climbed up to Kyle's room.

'Could I stay tonight?' Stan asked quickly and Kyle nodded without thinking. He looked at his clock- it was late too late to ask his parents (who were already asleep).

'Are you going to tell me why?' he walked to his dresser and pulled out a clean shirt and pajama bottoms. 'Or are you going to make me guess?' He tossed the dry clothes to Stan who caught them but looked quizzically at Kyle.

'If you hadn't noticed,' he said while taking off his own wet shirt 'you're dripping water on my floor' Kyle turned back to his dresser and pulled out some dry clothes for himself.

Stan felt his throat and eyes burn. He clothed the clothes and then walked up to Kyle, wrapping his arms around the slightly smaller, redheaded boy. Stan's face was pressed against Kyle's back; his wet shirt cooling his newly dried skin.

Kyle paused his movements and listened to Stan's breathing. He could see how tightly Stan was holding the clothes. 'Not this again…' he thought but couldn't stop himself from feeling flustered.

'Stan' he said quietly and felt the arms squeeze tighter.

'Kyle… my parents hate each other' he told him almost silently. 'They hate each other more then they love me' he added and Kyle knew that he was trying not to cry. 'Everyone leaves me. First Wendy, then Shelly, then Wendy again and now my parents… soon to be Wendy for a third time…'

Kyle released himself from Stan enough to turn himself around. He pulled the drenched boy into his arms. 'I'm not going to leave you again Stan, I promise you.' He felt Stan shiver and he spoke again. 'Stan you have to change' Stan pulled away and looked deeply into Kyle's eyes as if he didn't believe him.

'I promise you… ' he repeated and Stan backed away. He walked away from Kyle and began to change. Kyle took this time to change as well. Soon both boys were in dry clothes sitting on the edge of Kyle's bed with silence looming over them.

Stan's eyes were watery and he was trying hard not to cry, Kyle wasn't sure what he should do to console him or what Stan even needed at his time.

'I'm sorry about leaving you that day.' he said finally and there was silence once again and Stan shook his head. 'I suppose I was just scared'

Stan felt an ache in his stomach from the words and knew Kyle wasn't the only one scared.

'And when Wendy came' he continued not removing his eyes from the carpeted floor and Stan gave him a worried look. 'It made me more frightened that I was there that I didn't know what to do. So I really left…'

'I couldn't go there tonight' Stan explained meekly and once again there was silence. The two boys sat side-by-side still and staring that the puddle of water on the floor.

'I know this isn't my business but…' Kyle swallowed and met Stan's eyes 'Did you and Wendy do anything' the averting of Stan's eyes froze Kyle's breath.

'Not really… she just said I looked…' he paused and thought about whether he should tell Kyle what happened. 'Looked tense and she, well… you know… it wasn't planned…' a blush came across Stan's face from embarrassment.

'Oh' Kyle finally chocked out realizing what Stan was hinting at. 'But…' he began and didn't know where he was going he coughed and then asked casually, 'did it help?'

Stan let out a stifled laugh. 'I guess?' he said quizzically and then felt like he should just get up and leave.

'Well, if it's any consolation I did feel bad for leaving you- but I knew and know what you're going through. You're confused and I understand that…' he paused and thought. 'But it's my fault' Kyle whispered and grabbed Kyle's hand, squeezing it and then it was silent again.

'We were always there for each other,' Stan leaned on Kyle gently and then continued. 'But this time you just weren't'.

It was the truth. The room was quiet except for the light rapping of rain on the window and Kyle's shallow breathing. Kyle knew deep inside that what he was going was wrong but he couldn't help himself. He didn't want to use Stan and even though he kept telling himself different his mind kept reminding him of his initial motives. He didn't want to hurt Stan but right now he could see that right now he was hurting him more then he ever imagined possible.

Stan's head was buzzing and he felt light, he hadn't planned on going to Kyle's its just the way it happened. His thoughts were telling him that he shouldn't hold his hand or lean on his shoulder but his body was a completely different entity.

'I don't know what's going to happen' Stan said finally. 'My parents are divorcing so who do I stay with? Where will I end up? I don't want to move from South Park. This isn't how I pictured things. It wouldn't be so difficult I guess if you hadn't kissed me…' he said before his brain could register and he pulled away from Kyle, leaving him wide eyed. 'I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that' Stan said quickly before Kyle could speak.

'No… you've said it before and it's never registered.' Kyle looked a piece of lint on his carpet. 'I've been so stupid and selfish that I didn't want you to be with Wendy because…' he stopped and Stan looked up with a confused and hopeful look in his eyes. 'Because I don't like her' Kyle finished cursing himself. That wasn't exactly how he wanted to finish that sentence.

'We're just hopeless… we both screw up' he joked and then felt Kyle's hands on his arms.

'I promise you I wont screw up again. I'm here for you from now on Stan' he began seriously. 'I'm not going anywhere… I promise.' He now grabbed his hands, almost painfully and then continued to speak in a sober tone. 'I want you to believe me' Kyle explained and Stan peered at him.

'I really want you to be happy. And regardless of your parents' divorce I know you will be. You're so much better than getting upset over this' he looked at Stan you didn't take his eyes off Kyle.

'I always thought Wendy was my soul mate' Stan thought while looking at Kyle's stern features. 'But Kyle tires so hard to make me happy- I can at least talk to him. But I don't want to – keep falling for him'

'So Wendy really made you feel better?' Kyle asked skeptically with an embarrassed undertone, his hand trembling in Stan's.

'I guess… a little bit. It at least took my mind off things… for a little while anyway. I had peace from always thinking of you…' Stan let slip out again and he mentally cursed himself. 'I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that either' Stan told him and then pulled away. 'I guess I can go home now…' he said and stood.

'But I thought you wanted to stay' Kyle jumped to his feet confused. He held onto Stan and turned him to face him. 'I haven't been the best person these past four months in fact- one of the worst but you don't need to apologize for actually telling me something truthful for once. I'm here' Kyle told him. Kyle wanted to speak by Kyle's lips found his before he was able to.

He pushed hard into Stan grabbed the back of his neck and closing the gap between him. Stan let his arms fall around him to hold tightly onto him. His brain was fuzzy but he couldn't help but fall victim to the welcoming lips that Kyle was willingly offering.

Stan's stomach did flips and he felt weak. He was half expecting to Kyle to stop kissing him and throw him out. Stan's hands were beginning to lace behind Kyle's neck and Kyle's went down to the bottom of Stan's shirt.

Kyle moved Stan backwards until they reached the edge of the bed. The two pulled apart and Kyle lifted Stan's shirt over his head. Kyle quickly claimed Stan's mouth again trailing his hot tongue over quivering lips. Both gave in and fell on the bed.

Kyle straddled over Stan ravishing his lips and neck with kisses and eliciting soft moans from his parted lips. Kyle was trying but he couldn't contain himself, kissing Stan felt right and Kyle knew that Stan was completely focused on him and not Wendy. Kyle also kept telling himself the real reason he was doing this was because it would make Stan feel better. He suddenly found, however, that he was getting more and more involved.

His hands roamed Stan's sides while Stan's simply stayed clamed around Kyle's neck gently stroking the soft flesh behind his ears. Kyle felt a tongue lick at his lips again and he allowed the intruder to explore his mouth. Kyle began to slide his hand down the other boy's lithe frame resting on his hip.

The boys were kissing so heavily and strongly that their hearts ached for breath and they finally pulled apart for a moment's breath before Kyle leaned back in, thrusting a soft tongue into the Stan's welcoming mouth letting out another soft moan.

Stan shifted his position so that his left was between Kyle's. Stan's hands were falling to Kyle's lower back playing with his shirt and his tongue was fighting with Kyle's. Stan had never kissed anyone quite like he was right now and the pit of his stomach told him so.

Kyle felt slightly nervous at the recognition of the hardening member that belonged to Stan but he knew that it needed to be noticed. Kyle gently moved his hips into Stan. Stan let out a shocked moan of pleasure and tossed his head back. Without thinking Kyle went down and began to attack the dark haired boys defined neck with passion.

Stan began to claw at the shirt and dragged it up his back until Kyle let it come off over his head. Slight bruises still remained on Kyle's body from Stan the other night and it only made him fiercer knowing what he was capable of. He tossed his shirt to the side and looked directly into Stan's clouded eyes. Kyle felt his body shiver and all thought dissipated. He lowers his lips to the soft flesh on Stan's neck leaving light kisses down to his shoulders.

Stan wasn't sure what to do so he let his head fall back deep into the pillow and lay there- submissive- giving into the now and not thinking about what Kyle was going to do next or after. Still nipping and dancing across Stan's flesh, Kyle's hands began to lightly trail circles over his stomach and soft skin causing him to squirm under his every touch. He let out a soft moan and raised his hips into Kyle's again. Kyle felt a sense of pleasure surge through him and his face went red. He brought his mouth back down to Stan's and kissed him gently but with fire.

Kyle's hand slowly traveled sown Stan's side until his fingers were touching the top of his pants. The two boys pulled apart and breathed heavily. Kyle wasn't able to pin point exactly what was different about this kiss but he never felt so comfortable with anyone ever in his life. He figured if he felt comfortable he wouldn't have a hard time keeping Stan's mind occupied. If Wendy could do it- surely he could.

Stan's eyes were burning through Kyle as he began to inch himself down Stan's torso. Kyle glanced up at Stan's whose eyes were now shut tight and hands were clinging the bed sheets, mouth moving but no words escaping.

Kyle never received anything like this before and he certainly never gave one, but he knew what he would want. He swallowed and then started to pull down the restriction between Stan and Kyle's body.

Stan let out a slight whimper as hot breath crossed over the head. Kyle panted slightly, gripped the boy's hips and put his mouth over it. He didn't exactly welcome the taste, however he began to slightly bob his head, eliciting silent moans and jumbled mumbles from Stan.

Kyle couldn't really tell what kind of job he was doing. He was thinking he was doing a good enough job, however he hadn't actually been thinking up to this point so he decided not to start and to go with what he was doing.

Could he really have fallen for a certain Stanley Marsh? The thought poked at the back of him mind but he casually blocked it and focused on what his mouth and tongue were doing. He felt Stan's hands and fingers lace between red locks as his tongue circled around the sensitive flesh, sliding up and down the shaft.

Stan's heartbeat was racing and beads of sweat were forming on his temples. He felt as if the whole house was thumping in along with his heart. He was in disbelief and immense pleasure that he could hardly think at all. In fact, he had completely forgotten about why he had even gone over there in the first place.

He knew this wasn't the best blowjob he'd received but it was certainly the most emotion. Stan wasn't able to focus on anything but his lips and his fingers digging into his hips. He felt himself nearing release and his toes were curling uncontrolled. He didn't want to make Kyle feel uncomfortable so he pulled Kyle's head away. Stan's body ached for pleasure and release and he let out a soft moan of protest. Kyle looked at him with puzzled eyes, breathing slightly heavier than normal.

Stan told Kyle through heavy pants and a face glazed with pure ecstasy, 'I don't want- you to – d-do… that.'

Kyle smiled coyly and kissed Stan's lips. He moaned softly, melting into the kiss. Stan let out a small squeak and Kyle gently grabbed his member and began to stoke it gently. Stan's body shivered with pleasure and he began to breathlessly moan incoherent words. Letting his head fall back, Kyle took advantage of the exposed neck and gently nipped at the flesh. Stan came into Kyle's hand and felt himself drift slowly back down to earth.

Stan gently smiled through light kisses and wrapped his arms around the other boy. Kyle grabbed a discarded shirt and then went to the bathroom. Stan felt weird cleaning himself off but decided to dress and wait to use the washroom until Kyle was finished. Stan's stomach wouldn't let him rest. It was sending waves upon waves of butterflies making him weak in the knees.

In the bathroom Stan stared at himself in the mirror. He was sure Kyle was going to kick him out- he just expected it. Even though he initiated it. He was upset because he knew that this time things had gone to far but he couldn't stop; yet he wouldn't change it if he were able to.

He sulked back into the now dark room supposing Kyle was already sleeping in bed. He sighed happily because he was unsure of what to say to him. However, as he entered the room a pair of warm arms wrapped around his bare upper body and a warm welcoming kiss was planted on his lips. Stan leaned into the soft kiss and allowed his arms to wrap around Kyle's smaller frame.

Stan and Kyle shared his bed. Kyle slept with his arms around Stan's curled body tucked away similar to when they were camping out in Clyde's backyard. Stan fell asleep to soft breathing and airy kisses upon his neck.

* * *

The bring morning sun shown through the window. The arms that Stan fell asleep in were still locked around his heated body and he instantly felt regret for what happened. He felt responsible and stupid- but he couldn't shake the feelings of lust that kept creeping up. He was uncertain if the thought he was thinking were thoughts of what others would think.

Every time he thought about it his stomach got all tied up in knots and he felt light headed. He turned to glance at the clock. 8:01 am. Stan was wondering what time Kyle got up for school. He saw his clothes across the bed and floor and decided to see if they were dry yet. He would rather not have to wake Kyle or his family before he left their house so he quietly removed himself the grip of Kyle's warm and comforting body and placed his feet on the floor. He instantly wanted to be back in the arms that held him all night.

Stan was about to dress when there was a rapping on the door and Shelia busted through the door waking a confused Kyle in bed. Stan pushed his way into the full closet clutching his damp clothes.

'Kyle, why aren't you up? Up, up, up!!' she shouted crazily and then left. Kyle tossed his blankets off him and sat on the edge of his bed in boxers- sleepily rubbing his eyes.

Ike appeared in the doorway taking his mother's place. He took a short breath and looked around the room as if seeing it for the first time. His hands were tucked neatly behind his back and a small grin on his face.

'So,' he started and Kyle simply stared. In the closet Stan steadied his breathing to a shallow pace, holding tightly onto his clothes for moral support.

'Where's Stan?' Ike asked finally. His stomach made flips at the mention of his name and Kyle choked out a what.

'What does that mean?' he asked looking for evidence that Stan was around.

'I saw him come in last night and I didn't hear anyone leave' his smile resembled that of the Cheshire cat.

'Whatever, he left' Kyle shrugged thinking he really did. He stood from the bed and rubbing his eyes he let out an annoyed yawn.

'Nice boxers' Ike said and pranced down the hall 'and bruises'.

'You're not too old for me to KICK THE BABY, Ike' He shouted down after him and slammed the door. As soon as Stan heard the door close he broke out of the closet and gave Kyle a quirky smile, who jumped back not realizing he was hiding this whole time.

'Jesus dude, I thought you left…' Kyle said, still standing in his boxers. His smooth skin being exposed in the vast amount of sunlight in the room made Stan blush crimson. This was the body that held him tight all night- those were the same eyes that burned against his and those are the same lips that-

'This is awkward' Stan thought and turned to get dressed. Kyle blushed slightly and tuned opposite him to also dress himself.

'I guess I should get home and figure things out with my parents' Stand told him while doing up the buttons on his still damp jeans. 'Thanks-'

'For what?' Kyle immediately interjected, blushing madly.

Stan looked at him quizzically. 'For letting me stay- I was going to say' he picked up his jacket from the corner of the room and put it on. Stan looked out his window and realized it was too far to climb out of.

'I'll get my mom to drive Ike and I to school and you can sneak out after. I know dad has a case.' Kyle told him and Stan nodded. 'So I guess I'll see you today at school when you get there?' he asked, although knowing the question his stomach flipping over and over and his eyes watching the reddened lips that were slightly parted.

'Yup' Stan replied. There was a pause and Kyle left the room. Stan gently shut the door and stood there not wanting to move too much. In a split second the door burst open for the second time that morning and Kyle flung himself into Stan and forcefully kissed him hungrily.

Stan moaned heavily into Kyle's hastened kiss gripped his waist. Kyle tongue slipped between those lips and danced with Stan's. Kyle let out a breathy sigh and pulled away leaving one more hard kiss on Stan's mouth.

'See you at school…' he left and this time Stan heard his walk down the stairs.

'…Ok…' he replied quietly with his head spinning.

* * *

… if you read please review?

Tell me what you like or what you don't like.

BMB


	10. I Put My Arms Around You

**Chapter 10  
I Put My Arms Around You**

* * *

Kyle, Cartman and Kenny walked down the hall. It was almost 9 and Stan was nowhere to be found.

"So it's funny," Cartman started while stifling laughs.

"What's funny?" Kyle asked not believing anything he had to say was funny.

"It's funny cause the whole school knows…" Cartman said again and let out a bigger laugh. Kenny shrugged at Kyle, obviously not finding it as funny.

Suddenly a blush appeared on his face and the thought crossed his mind that somehow Cartman found out. He quickly asked him, "knows what?"

"That Stan… Stan's parents are getting a divorce." He blurted and laughed louder. It was this arrogant attitude that made Kyle wonder why they hung around him.

"That's not funny asshole!" he said to him as they opened their lockers. "And besides there are a lot of people who get divorced- it's the way it is."

"But not Stan! Not in South Park! Stan's family was supposed to be perfect and now he's from a broken home!" his voice was laced with excitement.

Kyle rolled his eyes in anger. "You don't even have a dad you idiot- how can you think Stan is worse off?" he paused and then the thought hit him. "How do you know?"

"Stan's mom- told my mom- and she told me to…get this…" he started. "She told me to be nice to him today because he would be going through a-a-a hard time…."

"You're such an asshole Cartman. The whole school doesn't need to know this- nor does the school care." Kyle grabbed his necessary books from his locker, slamming it closed.

"And then when he got home this morning-" he began but Kyle cut him off.

"What the hell were you doing at his house?"

"He was missing and my mom went over and brought me alone- end of story. But when he got home he totally yelled at his mom- it was hilarious… you should have seen her face!" he paused and then laughed at the memory. "Gold."

"Unbelievable" Kyle said and left leaving Cartman laughing beside an unfazed Kenny.

Kyle wondered if Stan would be at home. His imagination was acting out of sorts creating stories that he moved out of town with his mother already. He was halfway to the phones when he noticed Wendy already consoling Stan.

* * *

The older you get- the wiser you become. I agree with that. Being wise and being smart are two different things. For example, Kyle… was it wise for him to kiss me after seeing what he can do to me? I hope so… but was it smart for Kyle to do so? No, in fact it was a terrible idea because I know too well.

Is it wise for me to go home and speak to my mother? No. Is it smart? Yes, and I know that for a fact. Living with someone for that many years you get to know what gets them angry and I know- I have become wise- to what ticks off my mother and I am smart enough to avoid it.

Being wise and smart are two separate entities- yet are often considered as one.

* * *

--Earlier that Morning--

It was shortly after Kyle and Ike left with their mother that Stan headed home. He had 30 minutes to get home and then to school. He knew that his parents would be mad at him from storming out on them yesterday and would probably have many questions of his whereabouts.

Stan entered his house. The mid morning sun was shining through the kitchen window where the previous night he and his parents sat and discussed their future as a family. It was a shock what he saw when he adjusted to the difference in his home.

Taking his father's place at the head of the table was Cartman's mom, her hands tightly bound around a cup of coffee talking intently with Sharon. Eric was sitting on his couch in the living room watching a show on mtv, however the volume was so low that he could hear each word their parents were saying to each other.

"Oh Stanley, sweetheart I didn't hear you come in" Stan's mother said getting up from her seat, just noticing her son.

"What's going on?"

"I was so worried about you- when you didn't come home last night I called everyone. There was no answer at Kyle's till this morning and Shelia said she never saw you. Oh sweetie where were you?" She pulled him into a hug.

"Why is Cartman here?" Stan asked confused pulling away from his mother bitterly. "What were you guys talking about mom? Were you talking about it?"

"Stan Marsh" she hissed. "You have no right to talk to me like that- I am your mother."

Stan peered to the side where Cartman was watching the spectacle with wide eyes.

"You know whatever. You guys enjoy- you might want to tell her to that you and dad haven't slept in the same bed in months, and oh that you guys can't decide on a reasonable way to raise me so you argue about that as well. Here's something else you can talk about is how dad is never around lately because more than likely he was screwing around on you…" Stan seethed angrily and watched his mother's face go white. He swallowed hard and bit his tongue. "It's too early for this dysfunctional family to fight again…" he headed for the staircase, leaving behind his speechless mother, Mrs. Cartman and ecstatic Eric.

"I'm sorry"

"Well, I'd better get Eric to school" Mrs. Cartman said and gently held Sharon's arm. "If you ever need to talk- I'm here…"

Sharon waved and closed the front door, heading up the stairs to confront her son. She opened his door. He was lying on his bed fully dressed with his back turned towards the door. She leaned on the frame, her arms crossed in anger.

"Mind telling me where you were last night?"

"No…" he mumbled to the wall.

"You have no idea what you're doing to me, Stanley- I was worried sick. I haven't slept and Randy was out looking for you all night" she shouted letting her hands fly open. "You can't run off when something bad happens in your life Stanley, it doesn't show maturity."

"And spilling our family secrets is ok and cool to do- especially to the Cartman's. Cartman is never going to leave me alone so I hope you're happy. You've set me up to be the only kid with divorced parents in South Park and on top of it I get to be verbally abused by someone people think is my friend." Stan sat up in bed looking equally cross with his mother as she was with him.

"Eric's a nice boy… sometimes. I'm sure- of all people- he understand your situation. He doesn't even have a father to see-" Sharon told him reasonably.

Stan scoffed. "Right, because we all know you're going to let me see dad on a regular basis."

"Well if you weren't so childish and run off we could have discussed this last night like we had intended to. Now because of your selfishness-"

"My selfishness- you guys are the ones tearing me apart-" he barked at his mother jumping off the bed to be at her level.

"Your father missed his morning meeting in Denver because of you. We were supposed to have this resolved so he could leave late last night" she shouted angrily back at him. Both were standing only a few feet apart, breathing through clenched teeth.

Stan had never fought with his mother before and for once remained silent. He knew every word he spoke hurt his mother but the words were like a poison. They just kept coming out of him when he felt the need to speak. These emotions and feelings he kept bottled up for the past 4 months were all being thrown on the table and he wasn't able to stop them.

"I can't help that I'm not in love with your father anymore, Stanley." She began to cry lightly. "It kills me to do this to you but I just can't do it anymore! I've tried for several years and I just can't." She let herself fall on the floor where she began to cry shamelessly.

Stan felt himself sink. He was ashamed he made his mother cry and he wished he could take back his words. He walked over to his mother and gently placed his arms around her. "I'm sorry" he whispered. "I didn't mean to worry you… and I didn't mean those things I said."

Sharon clutched onto her son and continued to sob. "I just want what's best for you Stan- and both your father and I believe that this is it…"

"I know…" he replied, choking back tears. "I'm sorry… I'm so sorry I did those things… and said those things…"

His mother pulled away and wiped away most of her tears. She managed to speak through her shaky breaths. "You have to get to school. You're already going to be late Stan- you can take the car today but be home right after school please."

"Are you going to be ok?" He asked his mother she nodded half-heartedly and Stan helped her stand and then left for school.

The halls were filled with glances, snickers and hushed words. Wherever Stan appeared there was sure to be quiet whispers. He didn't expect for Cartman to keep his mouth shut but he didn't expect for everyone to know.

Since leaving Kyle's early that morning Stan hadn't done anything. He hadn't changed his clothes, he hadn't showered and he had not eaten. He was still wearing the same clothes from last night that smelled like they had been wet all night. He knew that if people weren't looking at him for what they heard- they were looking at him because he looked and probably smelled really bad.

Stan heard the bell ring as he headed towards his locker. Unfortunately, Wendy's locker was in the same place it was every year. Unavoidable by anyone and always beside the phones where she could see who came and went and everyone else's business.

It just happened that on this certain day Wendy had been slightly late herself and was adding the finishing touches to makeup in her locker mirror before her eyes targeted Stan. She quickly closed her locker and pranced up to him with eyes brimming with sympathy.

"Oh Stan- you poor thing I heard what happened this morning." She cried while throwing hands around him and pulling him into a hug.

"Your poor mother- I can't believe Randy would walk out on her like that- and what are you going to do for a house now that he's kicking you out?" She asked, slightly stoking his hair.

Stan pushed her away from him and looked at her with confusion in his eyes. "What are you talking about Wendy?"

She cocked her head and looked around, raising her eyebrows. "Well it's all over school what happened last night- I just don't know why you didn't come to me sooner about this-"

"Cause one: I didn't want to- obviously and two: none of this is true" Stan tried to push past Wendy but she got into his face again and furrowed her brows in worry.

"Then your parents aren't getting a divorce?" she asked with hope in her voice.

"Well, yea they are but not for those reason. Look Wendy why does this matter?" Stan sighed. He didn't want to talk to her about this with her. He caught himself thinking the unthinkable. He didn't want to be with Wendy. He was surprised by this revelation that he stopped listening to her. For once- she was the one who wanted to be with him and he wanted nothing to do with her.

"Stan, are you listening to me?" Wendy looked at him with perplexed eyes.

"Sorry what?"

She smiled lightly. "I said- it matters to me because I love you. And You and I are soul mates Stan… what problems of yours are problems of mine…" she rubber her hand over his arm. "Right?"

Stan looked up and locked eyes with Kyle as he entered this section of the hallway and his heart leapt from his chest. No bad news could ruin the fact that he just ran into the only person he was trying to find.

"No, Wendy…" he said calmly. "I – don't believe we are. I don't want you to have my problems and I don't think I can handle worrying about your problems too- my plate is full." He half smiled at her. Her light-hearted grin faltering beneath his crushing words. "I'm sorry but I know now that we just aren't made for each other…"

"But we work so hard…" the final bell rang overhead and Stan knew he was late. "I thought that since we-" she let tears roll down her cheeks.

"You worked hard sometimes and I worked hard other times. We never worked together and that's how I know. We never had a stable relationship when we were together because only one of us was happy at a time."

"That's not – true" she stated sadly, but she did in fact know it was.

"I've got to go now Wendy." He said and let her arm fall from his shirtsleeve.

"Bye…" she whispered to him.

Stan ran up to Kyle and didn't look back. His thoughts melted when he saw Kyle and he was all out of second thoughts to give her.

"I was just about to call to see if you were coming" Kyle said and Stan grinned causing him to ask, "did something happen that I should know of- like… drugs or something."

"Nope…" he said and then leaned into whisper in his ear, "I can't tell you how happy you make me." Stan knew that without Kyle he would be a train wreck today and he almost was.

Kyle's breath thinned and he looked around. There were eyes on them from every direction and he felt like he couldn't escape. There were whispers, glances and comment from every person they passed. "They know…" he thought terrified. He couldn't believe so many people were bustling to their classes right now.

"Stan!!" Cartman yelled. "We've got class…" suddenly Stan's world came crashing in again. The last person he wanted to see was Cartman.

"I'm not going" he said simply and got shocked looks from both boys. "At least not with you, fucktard" he spat angrily. "Why don't you just blog about it tonight too- tell all your little cyber buddies? You've already told the whole school anyway…" It was one venomous insult after the other but Stan knew Cartman wouldn't be insulted- but proud. Making Stan angry enough to curse and affront someone like he did was a gift- a gift that Eric Cartman seemed to possess.

"Don't be such a pussy-" Cartman said and both Stan and Kyle rolled their eyes. "Besides its true- I wasn't spreading rumors." There was silence and then a burst of laughter from Cartman. 'It's just so god damn funny…' he said through fits of laughter and walked away to his class.

"Whatever Stan, just forget about it-" Kyle pulled at Stan's arm. "Besides- if you're skipping I need to talk to you."

"Oh… ok sure. Where?"

"We can just walk over to the field."

"The field- isn't that a bit far?" Stan asked but Kyle shook his head. He shrugged and said, "all right."

"Stan Marsh, please report to the office please. Stan Marsh" the intercom speakers rang just as he and Kyle were leaving. A lump grew in his throat. Class hasn't even been in session for more than ten minutes and he was already busted.

"God damn it. Alright- how about I meet you there. I'm not going to class… I'll use the whole… family thing… to get out." Kyle nodded.

'Maybe I shouldn't make him skip' the thought crossed through Kyle's mind and he wondered how Stan was really taking the news from his parents. He seemed too happy. 'It's not because of me' he told himself and left the school- heading over to the fields.

When Stan walked into the office a surprise was waiting for him. "Mr. Mackey!?" he shouted in surprise.

"Hello Stan, please come with me mkay…" Mackey said and a stunned Stan followed being directed into a small room down the hall.

"I've been called here today to talk to you about your parent's divorce mkay"

"Look Mr. Mackey- I don't need your consoling. In fact, I really don't want it." Stan said immediately, wondering how long Kyle would wait for him at the field. The only thing he could really think about was what Kyle had to tell him. It was picking at the back of his mind like a hungry vulture and he couldn't focus on Mackey's words.

"Stan, sometimes bad things happen, mkay, but you can't let these things ruin your life… mkay…" he told him sincerely.

"Listen Mackey- I know- I have to make choices, don't do drugs, always do the speed limit, not blame myself for the divorce and to make sure that I eat a lot of good fruits and vegetables. So now that I know the routine I need to go…"

"Stanley, sit down." Mackey made him sit in a plushy chair. "Now this is serious mkay… I'm going to need to evaluate your situation. You don't seem to be taking this well." He observed.

"No you're right- I'm not. This is bullshit and I shouldn't be in. The divorce was inevitable and maybe I'm upset about it but I'm not sick with grief and it's not going to cause my studies to falter. Now please – I'm begging you- please let me go I have somewhere important to be." He thought for a minute and decided to use what he knew would let him get out. "I have to go home and talk with my mother- I was on my way out. Maybe we can talk later?" he suggested.

"That would work better for you?" Stan nodded and Mr. Mackey agreed. "Over the break I want to see you to make sure you are getting along."

'Break?' Stan thought as he left the small room and his eyes widened. BREAK. The Christmas break how could he have been so stupid.

* * *

"Sorry- Mackey wanted to see me" Stan said running up to where Kyle was leaning against a fence. The place was desolate and the weather was cold. Kyle's cheeks and nose were red and he looked perplexed at Stan.

"Mackey? What was he doing there?"

"Just about the divorce" he pushed the matter aside and then quickly wrapped a pair of warm arms around Kyle who suddenly felt hot. "Sorry I made you wait- you look frozen."

Kyle's brain poked at him to continue. "It's Thursday," he said and Stan pulled away.

"I know- tomorrow's Friday… and then its Saturday…" Stan said unsure of what Kyle was getting at.

"Well it's the holidays… and for Hanukkah my parents are taking Ike and I up to visit family- away from South Park… for the _whole_ holiday…"

"Oh… but you … can't leave. When are you leaving?" he quickly asked and then Kyle gave him sad eyes.

"Saturday…but I'll be back as soon as classes start again. I've just been so busy with everything – both of us have- that I just forgot that it was so close to the holidays. My mom won't let me stay"

"Do you want to stay?" Stan asked desperately with doubt in his voice and eyes.

"I just don't know anymore…" Kyle answered. His emotions were telling him one thing but his brain was telling him another. "I just think I have to go with common sense on this one…" he added.

"What's that even mean?" He shook his head and couldn't believe what he was hearing. "I will go insane without you here you can't go!" he pleaded. His face contorted to worry and he waited with baited breathing for what Kyle was going to say next.

"Maybe its for the best…" he trailed off as he read the hurt sprawled across Stan's face and decided that going with his head wasn't the best idea.

"You have to stop this…" Stan told him bitterly, his confusion getting a hold of him. He couldn't grasp what Kyle was talking about or why he was doing this to him. "I can't keep doing this," he softly said. Kyle reached out and held him in his arms. The cold from his jacket instantly cooling Stan but he did not move or speak- just listened.

"What we have is- special" Kyle told him. Stan was listening to his heavy breathing and felt his heart beating wildly. Kyle's voice echoed through his body and he waited for him to say another word.

"This is complicated and I don't think that we're right for each other."

"I think we are" Stan answered and felt hands grip.

"I need more time with this- I don't know what to do or say or what I should feel in this situation…"

"This isn't just about you Kyle, you can talk to me. I've confided in you- so many times I have come to you because I trust you and I do have feelings for you…"

Kyle's mind jolted back and forth. Of course he had feelings for him anyone who knew what was going on knew that but the feelings were mutual only Kyle didn't have the courage to tell him that. His reasonable brains kept interfering with the problem at hand.

"I hope you wont hurt me." Stan whispered almost silently. "I've tried so hard to make you realize that what we have is different and unique but you don't want to listen." He pulled away from the arms he felt so comfortable in. "You can't keep pulling me and pushing me at your will because one day you think you like me and the other day you've got a conscious…"

"It has nothing to do with what I feel"

"It has everything to do with what you feel- it doesn't make sense to me that you'd be using me…"

"Exactly!" he shouted with pain across his face. "I'm using you… or I was. I don't know what I was thinking but I can't fix it- and I can't do anything with you without feeling guilty. I can't believe what I've done to you."

"So that's it? You're not even going to try or anything- just going to run off and come back and everything will be normal?" Kyle knew that every word he spoke was an arrow targeted at Stan and he knew that every unspoken word would do more damage then the ones spoken.

Kyle sighed. "I don't want to hurt you- but I need time. I need time to think this through because what I feel for you – whatever this feeling is- is confusing for me and I'm not sure what it is Stan, so please just be patient!"

"I am and always was the patient one Kyle."

* * *

Stan's room was dark. It was Saturday and Kyle would be leaving. Stan hadn't come out of his room for hours and he hadn't been taking any phone calls. Not from his father, sister or Kyle.

Ever since Thursday's revelations Stan didn't want to talk to anyone. He just wanted to dwell on the past and think about how and where he went wrong. He could only replay that rainy night and the cold day on the field in his head. Kyle face the whole time was painful and he couldn't get the image from his mind.

He didn't know why Kyle was so scared. "Use me for what?" Stan thought. It upset him but not in the way Kyle imagines. Stan didn't feel as if he was being used and he sure didn't feel like he did any favors for Kyle that he would consider being used for.

He sat up quickly in bed. He needed to talk to Kyle one last night before he left. He needed to clear his head. Stan didn't want these ticks at the back of his mind for the entire holiday.

Stan knew what he had to do. He had to persuade Kyle not to go, to see that he had a good thing here that he might lose if he goes. He pulled on his shoes and headed for the red heads house pondering the right words to say.

The stairs to Kyle's room never looked so steep and so far away. Each step felt like a mountain and his brain told him that he wasn't being smart and that he should know to leave things alone.

He wasn't thinking straight when he knocked on the door. He wasn't thinking straight why Kyle opened it and gave him the most confused face he'd ever seen painted on Kyle.

"What are you doing here?" Kyle asked in shock.

"Trying to convince you to stay!" He said pushing his way into Kyle's bedroom letting the door slide shut. "Please stay for the holidays- you can stay at my house" Stan begged.

"I can't do this anymore – I don't want to hurt you again. And I know you'll realize that too over this break- when I come back we can go back to the way things were."

"You always say you don't want to hurt me- but you do…" he sighed and looked at the floor.

Kyle's heart ached. "After what I did – I don't deserve you-" he thought to himself and watched Stan with a heavy heart.

"I don't know what is in your head Kyle but Jesus stop dwelling on it. I'm being honest with you- I…" he stopped. "I'm being honest… I lo…" he closed his eyes and breathed in. Kyle eyes widened and he breath hung in his throat.

"I am honest with you right now Kyle. I love you," he said quickly. "I look back now and realize you are my soul mate and you always have been. Take that with you…" Stan spilled out the words and then turned and left.

Kyle's heart was racing. No one ever told him he was someone's soul mate.

* * *

Last chapter to be up soon :) Please review and it might be up sooooooner  
BMB


	11. Thickening the Air I Breathe

**Chapter 11  
Thickening the Air I Breathe**

* * *

I didn't think the holidays would suck so much. Kyle left without saying a word. I just watched him drive away from me and I didn't do anything to stop him. If this is how it's supposed to be I guess I can't meddle with it- but I just can't leave it alone.

I'm going crazy being here alone. The word of my parents divorce got out and in a small town like this people look down on you and talk in hushed voices as you walk past them. The only thing I can think as I brush past the icy taunts is, 'where is Kyle when I need him?'

I've complicated Kyle's life by falling for him.

I've complicated Wendy's life by just being with her.

I've realized that by January this charade will have been going on for five months and I also have realized the copious amounts of stress that has been shoved into my arms in that short time as well.

I haven't given up yet- no not in the slightest.

However, as I thought over the break I came up with a revelation. Throughout ones lifetime we are given the number one. You are only given the important things once. One heart, one love and one soul mate- I am sure that I have fulfilled my life's one in this short amount of time but I am not saddened. In fact I am enlightened.

However, this enlightenment is two-sided. One side is a blessing while the other side taunts me with what I cannot touch. I am happy to be blessed with such a heart in love with someone so dearly- my soul mate, but I have to remember that my "one" isn't always "one" with another.

So that's it. I only have one… one life one love one family and one confession…one. Yes I have made things complicated but within that I have grown to understand it. I can now live knowing why Kyle did those things, and why he doesn't love me… but more importantly why I still love him.

I'm Stan Marsh, and that's my revelation.

* * *

Stan hardly left his room. It remained dark for most parts of the day and he did nothing but sleep and try to get away from it all. It was now two days past Christmas and Stan hadn't received a single phone call from Kyle. All his phone calls consisted him hanging up on Cartman and somehow managing to persuade Wendy from not coming over.

He was crazy. He couldn't spend one minute without thinking about Kyle and what the break could have been with him around. He would have made Kyle feel loved and wanted and would have made sure he had no doubts of his own feeling.

Even though Kyle always confused him he was almost certain that Kyle was scared and that his feelings were genuine- that he meant the things he said and did, even from the very start. The more Stan thought out this 'very start' aspect the more he thought about the past several months. All the kisses, the flirty and the playing hard to get were now coming clear to Stan as he lay on his bed tangled in an array of sheet and blanket.

All his bad thoughts of himself seemed to drift away and he felt as if Kyle was planning something for him- that at any moment he was going to get a call to look out his window and he'd be standing there waiting for him to come down. At least that's what he kept telling himself during all hours of the day.

He looked over onto his floor at the untidy mess that was a sea of guilt and scandalous strides for affection. Each half-opened gift from his parents was bigger than the one that preceded it. Stan's father tried to outdo his mother by getting him more expensive gifts than the ones that he thought Sharon was going to buy. He knew his parents were trying to buy his love so even though he loved some of the gifts that he got he left them untouched for his own sake.

Stan didn't receive a gift from any of his friends and not one from his sister, who called for five minutes on Christmas day. She didn't come home because she would rather be with a fake family than the one God gave her.

Stan didn't want to leave his room and visit friends from school over the holidays. He hated to admit it but the only person worthwhile visiting was Kyle- and only Kyle. He was having a hard time keeping Wendy away as well. He didn't want to see her anymore but she continued to call to ask him to really think about what he did.

It was typical and he knew it. As soon as he stopped paying attention to her when she has no one else to run to she can't leave him alone- but regardless he just couldn't be bothered.

For Stan, Christmas holiday's consisted of hiding and pretending not to live the lie and life he was currently in between. However, his days would have been slightly better if he had known the stress that last conversation had put on Kyle, and how badly Kyle just wanted to go home and see him.

Kyle wasn't able to get rest. When he slept he dreamed about any time he spent with Stan and while he was awake and wished he was sleeping. He couldn't be bothered with visiting family or even the several days of gifs he was receiving.

Everyday Kyle would take out a notebook and write feverishly in it. Scratching and scribbling looking nervously around to make sure no one was reading what he was pouring out onto the paper.

They were notes upon notes where Kyle attempted to do himself justice for acting the way he did, however each note would end up being shredded and tossed to become recycled paper.

Ike had noticed this detachment and one was really bored. He asked Kyle what was wrong and Kyle decided to tell him a slightly different story.

"I have this friend," he started and Ike nodded knowingly. "And he really likes this gu-irl… this girl." Kyle told him frantically trying to correct himself.

"The classic guy likes girl- girl hates boy syndrome- you see it all the time" Ike replied like it was easy knowledge.

"No, not exactly" Kyle said and regained Ike's interest tenfold. "She likes him- a lot. In fact she would go as far as telling him that she loves him."

"So both parties are in like with each other- but they are too afraid to start anything. That is also a classic syndrome- I call it repellent complex." Ike rambled like a psychiatrist. "It's when both parties like one another and have admitted it to everyone but the person they like. Together they are like two positive magnets and repel each other. It's simple really: one person needs to speak their mind."

"Again that's not it. This guy and this girl are mostly aware of the feelings and if fact have shared moments together- but the guy is stupid and he did things before that will make this relationship fail… and he knows it, but he can't stop thinking about … her"

"Well, in my experience (and I say this because I have none) what you have to do is STOP BEATING AROUND THE BUSH- get straight to the point. Tell her what your malfunction is so you two can figure this out. If she truly does love you than anything you do she will get over because of that fact. Firstly, forgive yourself for whatever you did and then talk to this girl – face-to-face – about it. If you guys have a good thing don't let guilt get in the way…" Ike finished and then averted his eyes to the table where dinner was being set. "So stop being a pansy and get some courage…" He stood while Kyle stared dumbfounded. When did his brother become so astute?

"By the way Kyle," Ike began to ask. "Would this 'she' of yours happen to be "s"less?" Kyle looked quizzically at him. "You know… a he?"

"Keep talking Ike, one of these days you're going to get it." Kyle replied feeling flustered but not wanting to lose his cool and let his younger half-brother win.

* * *

Five months have gone by and all I have a sore head and sick stomach. The starting of the new semester didn't bring us closer together but, as we both predicted, it brought us father apart. On the outside we would act like the best of friends, but on the inside we'd both clawed and desire to climb into a dark hole and hide from each other.

Now, the one question I have to ask myself- whom do I choose? Who do I try for? Can I really make Kyle like me – can I really make myself like Wendy again? I just don't know what to do…

It's hard to say when things went wrong. Possibly that stupid dance that I knew I should have skipped. I wish I hadn't gone- nothing could be worst than this… nothing. Kyle hates me, Wendy hates me and Cartman wont leave me the fuck alone.

The more I think of the past five months, I can't help but to pin point the problems. Like that dance for instance, the guys' night in watching wrestling, the trip to New York, inviting Kyle over was the worst. Dude, I've really screwed things up for myself hardcore.

Kyle won't talk to me outside school anymore. I know he liked it- I just- don't know what to do anymore. I've complicated everything; in just five months I've screwed it all up. I'll be alone forever, now that I think about it… I'm- in love with-

* * *

Kyle didn't want to speak with Stan yet. Every time he tried he got tongue-tied and had to leave. He needed more time to think about what he had done. He had written page upon page of apologies that met the same fate as the paper before to the shredder over and over.

Kyle began at step one. He forgave himself.

He began to think logically about the situation and each situation where he and Stan ever shared a moment. The moment he forgave himself was the moment he was able to think clearly and write. The words began to flow and sooner than he imagined- the perfect note was written. He shoved the paper into and envelope and addressed it to Stan Marsh.

For several days the letter sat on his desk collecting dust. He felt insecure again and didn't want to give something away that he was still unsure about. Kyle would spend hours sitting at his desk staring at the letter waiting for his courage to take hold of him and deliver the letter.

On a snowy day Kyle found himself walking to Stan's house, the letter in his knapsack. He hadn't planned on going but it seemed that it was the direction in which his feet were taking him. The sidewalk to Stan's door was laden with a white carpet of fluffy pure snow. There were no impurities and no footprints. Kyle thought that it might be a shame to ruin such a serine picture.

Kyle sighed heavily and squeezed the note. He walked down the untouched path and dropped the note into the mailbox. For moments he held down the lid debating whether to leave it. In the end he let his hand slid off the black metal and allowed himself to turn and leave. Kyle felt light- he felt as if he had lifted a burden off his shoulders. He had to wait until tomorrow evening to go to Starks pond. He was just hoping that Stan would show up now that he knows the full truth.

Dear Stan,

I'm sorry. I never knew you kept something like this. For so long I just brushed it off as if it were childish and pathetic. But it's opened my eyes, made me see what you've been going through and I never imagined it was anything like this. I never knew you felt the way you do about anything. About your parents, school… or me. I don't know how you've managed to go to school and deal with all these problems.

I don't know what it is that we have or why, Stan, but I think I want to learn more about it.

Here's the thing. I used you and played you but only because I knew you were vulnerable and I know you liked me. From that day I kissed you as a joke- as a way of making you lighten up… I just knew it. It was this knowledge that made me go further- you liked me more than you ever did anyone and it was because of me. If I hadn't kissed you, you'd still be goo, goo eyed for Wendy. I just didn't want to let that feeling go- that power I had over you.

It was me, it's never me and for once I could have someone completely under my thumb and I didn't want to let it go, so I led you on to the point where I felt… bad but it was too late, and I… need you to meet me at Starks pond on Thursday, and come alone.

Kyle

* * *

"Starks Pond" Stan said quietly and he could see the place forming in his mind. The dead trees sticking twisted through the snowy ground. He crumpled the paper and tossed it into the trash. "How could I have been so stupid" he thought to himself. He knew that Kyle was acting strange and those times he said he was sorry and that he didn't feel right this is what he was talking about.

Biting his lip he looked towards the trash, the paper slightly unfolding out of its ball. "Starks Pond…" he thought slightly and then shook his head. He shouldn't have to go and hear what Kyle has to say when he can read it and get the full picture.

"I can always call Wendy" he thought looking towards his phone. It was a decent way of distracting himself, not for the better but it would at least keep him mind off Kyle. Closing his eyes Stan imagined his way to Starks Pond and waiting for Kyle. He shook the thoughts out of his head.

He was mad at Kyle, not in love with him anymore. He hated him because he used him and in the process… realized that he too, liked him as well. Stan smiled lightly but then frowned. The note didn't actually say that he liked him- it said that he felt bad. This made Stan frown even further. What if Kyle only wants a sympathy fest and then decides that they are ready to be friends again. Would Stan be able to handle that again?

It was Thursday evening. Kyle hadn't given a specific time to be there so Stan figured he wasn't going to show up. However the more Stan sat in his computer chair glancing at the note and the more he thought up scenarios the more he wanted to up and leave and find Kyle.

Stan couldn't take it anymore: the thoughts, the ideas or the silence that was intruding on his mind. He walked through the lightly dusting snow to where he was hoping Kyle was waiting for him.

Starks Pond was a blanket of white. He saw a shadowy figure sitting by the water and his heart began to race thinking that his idea to sort this out suddenly seemed like a bad one. His feet would not listen, however, they kept walking to the hunched figure that slowly made shape to be Kyle. He looked up and stared deep into Stan's eyes. Stan swallowed waiting for him to speak but nothing came out.

Stan remained silent as he took a seat beside him waiting for him to say something- anything- about the note, but nothing came- only the tossing of a rock onto the frozen pond.

After several minutes of silence, Kyle looked at Stan. "I hope you don't mind waiting for me."

"I don't" Stan replied pleasantly.

"Why?"

"Cause I love you…" he told him without thinking and then he began to be honest with not only Kyle, but also himself. "I think I always have and I know I always will. I don't care how embarrassed you get- I don't care how much Cartman rips on me, and I don't care that you used me to eventually feel something that you hadn't planned on- it's just the truth. You're my soul mate- and if I wait forever for you to realize it. I guess that's how it's going to be. I'll wait for you… forever."

There was silence.

"But unlike you Kyle, I'm not going to give up on you like you gave up on me when you do something stupid… one day you'll figure that out…"

"Stan… I didn't bring you here to shut you down and I didn't bring you here to tell you I hate you. I brought you here to tell you- I understand. I know what you mean about having soul mates. Because I too have a soul mate…"

Stan looked at him sadly but with boldness. "So what's this soul mate like?"

"A very special person, who has always been there for me- sometimes this person is a jerk to me too but we've always gotten over it. We've done everything together- and when I say everything I mean pretty much everything- and I can't say that I've hated a single thing that we did together… this person is perfect… and it took me forever to realize it. I think it took my selfishness to realize it- I know who I will love for the rest of my life regardless of how it turns out."

Stan raised an eyebrow… "This person sounds awfully familiar to my soul mate…"

"Does it?" Kyle gave a half-hearted smile, still feeling awful for what he had put Stan through.

"Yes… very much so." Stan let a smile spread across his face not knowing where this playful banter was coming from or where it was going.

"I love you…" Kyle said sharply looking into Stan's eyes and his smile faded. His heart skipped a few beats and he felt his breath shake as it passed by his lips.

"I…" Time seemed to be going slow. The movement of Kyle's hand to his cheeks seemed to take a decade.

"I love you, Stan Marsh," he repeated. "You've made me realize what a soul mate is and that you are it," he pressed his lips against Stan's slightly parted ones for a long, lingering kiss full of passion.

When he leaned out of it, Stan was still staring blankly at Kyle's burning eyes not recognizing this as reality. He felt so much wonderment that his body felt like it was floating. He gave a grin and flung himself into Kyle, aggressively pushing his lips back onto Kyle's as both boys toppled over into the light layer of snow. is h

So maybe I won't be alone forever; but no matter how I think about it, I'm in love with Kyle Broflovski.

* * *

Aloha… well that is the end of this story. :) it was a chapter longer than I had expected it to be… so yea. Leave a review please?? Let me know what you thought of it? Cheesy ending… yea, probably but if it ended badly how many of you would have hated me?

Peace,  
BMB


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